Bachelor Week 5 Recap: Good Morning, Vietnam!

Hello loyal Bachelor fans and loyal Bachelor Power Rankings followers. Thanks to everyone who checked out our first post of Power Rankings yesterday. We’ll be back with those again later this week but for now, Chase and I want to give you all more fun content to get you through your day. Today, we have a recap of last night’s episode and later in the week, Chase will bring you “Upon Further Review.” More on that column later.

Without further ado, let’s get to this week’s excitement. Team Bachelor headed to Vietnam today to kick off Week 5 in Juan Pablo’s “Journey to Find Love.”

Our bachelor kicks off the episode musing about how exciting it is to be in a foreign country and his thoughts on the remaining ladies. He does his best Leonardo DiCaprio Titanic impression on the front of a boat floating through what has to be the murkiest water known to man. Does anyone else just kind of hope he falls into the water as he sits on the edge of the boat? One bump on a log and we’ve got instant comedy. 

The girls arrive next and Team Bachelor gives us a helpful map graphic to show us that Vietnam is in fact south of Korea (the location of last’s week most dramatic episode ever). Side note: is ABC trying to subtly teach young Americans where the U.S. has fought in major wars? Oh, the fact that millions of Americans sacrificed their lives to defend our country wasn’t mentioned even once in either episode? Phew, I was worried for a second that The Bachelor might actually do something respectful.

Back to the women, they simply LOVE the hotel where they will stay the week. Perhaps because no matter what foreign country Team Bachelor travels, they always seem to find the most westernized hotels possible.

As the girls explore the hotel, the magical first date card appears on the table in their lounge. Renee, the 32 year old mother from Massachusetts, who has yet to kiss Juan Pabs snags the first one on one date in Vietnam. The date card reads, “Are we the right fit?” Side note: Does The Bachelor have a full time employee who writes the date cards? They must. The play on words is just too good.

In response to finding out about her one on one date, Renee exclaims for the camera, “Hopefully we can grow [our connection],” which loosely translates to “MAKE OUT WITH ME JUAN PABLO.” Meanwhile Andi stews in the corner after being passed over for a one on one date for the fifth week in a row. Andi is Discouraged with a capital D and she isn’t being quiet about it.

Renee meets Juan Pabs in the streets of Vietnam and the two head to rent a cycle rickshaw. Renee, still not sure what is in store for the date, thinks they will be riding together but… THINK AGAIN SISTER. Would Team Bachelor really pass up an opportunity to see the former professional soccer player’s legs in action? I don’t think so. Juan Pablo hops on the bike and maneuvers the rickshaw through the streets of Vietnam while we are treated the most unflattering upward angled shot of Renee from the GoPro mounted on the rickshaw near her feet.

Juan Pabs directs the pair to a local dressmaker where he tells Renee she will get a custom fit dress from a Vietnamese dressmaker. We rejoice that the date card she received had two meanings.

Later that evening, the two head to dinner in a restaurant that has been reserved just for the two of them (yet another example of how The Bachelor imitates dating in real life). Renee wears her new dress and Juan Pabs loves how it looks on her. After some back and forth chit chat, Juan Pabs offers and Renee ascepts the rose.

But the date isn’t quite over and the two head to release lanterns in the nearby water and make wishes. Renee tells us that her wish is that Juan Pablo will kiss her before the night is up. With that, the two come together near the beautiful scene of lanterns on the water, the music swells and… no kiss. That’s right, Juan Pabs tells us that he simply needs to wait for the right moment because Renee has a son who is old enough to understand what is going on (he is eight so I'm not entirely sure that is true). Renee is disappointed but despite talking ad nauseam about wanting that elusive first kiss all night, she is oddly okay with not getting one.

The next day Juan Pabs takes nine of the eleven girls on a group date throughout Vietnam to do traditional Vietnamese things. First up, paddling in wooden boats. When the ladies pair up and Clare is left without a partner. Juan Pabs tells her she is with him. Clare is delighted and Kelly explains that Clare was left without a partner because she doesn't have any friends in the house. She quips, “First time in anyone’s life having no friends is an advantage.” Point for the professional dog lover.

The rest of the date proceeds without much incident. The ladies head to a traditional Vietnamese dinner and then to the traditional Bachelor group date cocktail hour. Here are some of the highlights and notes:

• Clare gets most of the attention. Juan Pablo clearly likes her body whole package and the other ladies are taking notice.
• Andi is increasingly frustrated with her lack of one on one time with Juan Pabs. She feels uneasy until he utters, “Trust me.” She feels even better when, during the cocktail hour, Juan Pablo’s kissing embargo from last week is lifted and Andi gets a majority of the goods.
• Did Clare eat anything other than rice at the traditional Vietnamese meal? After the octopus fiasco in Korea last week, my guess is no.
• Kelly is actually pretty funny.
• Sharleen is questioning her connection with Juan Pablo. Then she makes out with him and she feels better. Yup, seems like they are building a solid foundation.

After finding time to kiss at least half the girls on the group date, it’s time to hand out the rose to one person on the group date. It goes to none other than Clare who ascepts it gladly.

With that, another group date is in the books and Juan Pablo can get some much needed rest for his lips. Or so he thinks. Clare decides that she needs some more one on one time with JP so she sneaks out of her room, heads to Juan Pablo’s (sweet) suite and asks him to take a dip in the ocean. JP can’t resist and the two spend a steamy night in the warm ocean. In fact, it is so good, Juan Pablo has to explain how good it is in Spanish.

The next morning, as Nikki preps for her one on one, JP can’t seem to think about anything other than his magical night with Clare. Still the show must go on and the two head to a rappelling adventure into a cave with the less than appealing name of Hell. Of course, Nikki is scared as hell (pun intended) and says perhaps the single best line uttered this season in regards to their pending adventure: “I’ll either live, die or poop my pants.” With that, Nikki zips to the top of my favorites list and straight into Juan Pablo’s heart. She conquers the rappelling, makes out with him at dinner and tells him all about her career as a nurse. In response JP asks Nikki the Nurse if she will ascept this rose. She does and JP explains he wants to get to know her better – yeah, maybe like, I don’t know, her last name?

We conclude our time in Vietnam with the standard end of the week cocktail party/rose ceremony where Juan Pabs drops the bomb that three women will be headed home. Panic spreads throughout the group and each girl begins to realize that things are getting real.

Juan Pablo pulls Clare to the side and tells her he is having second thoughts about what happened in the ocean the other night. Even though he went with her when she asked, he now tells her he shouldn't have done it out of fairness to the other girls. Probably should have thought about that before JP! Instead, he simply makes Clare upset and leaves the door open for her to spill the beans next week to the other ladies about what happened (one can dream).

The rest of the cocktail party proceeds as usual with one exception. Danielle, the quietest contestant ever to appear on The Bachelor has not one, not two but THREE confessional interviews in a span of two minutes. In NBA Jam terms, she was on fire. 

The cocktail hour continues and one hour and 47 minutes into the two hour long episode, host Chris Harrison shows up for the very first time in the entire episode. No, you did not read that wrong. Where has Chris Harrison been the entire episode? No one knows. A true mystery. Regardless, he tells the ladies  that it’s time for the ceremony and five more women happily ascept roses from Juan Pablo. The only drama (which was really no drama at all) was whether or not Andi would receive a rose (everyone knew she would). She snatched the last one and Danielle, Alli and Kelly are headed back to the United States.

That’s all for this week! Stay tuned later this week for “Upon Further Review” from Chase and updated Power Rankings for the remaining eight women from both of us.

Questions? Comments? Sound off below!