Bachelorette Power Rankings - Week 1 - "Kaitlyn vs. Britt"

They're back!

Ah. Spring has sprung, summer is around the corner and The Bachelorette premieres tonight. It seems like just yesterday we were watching Chris propose to whatsherface Whitney in the middle of Iowa. It was sort of great and sort of weird at the same time (did The Bachelor interns have to scoop poop out of the barn the day before to get ready for the proposal?).

By the end of the After the Final Rose special, we were all ready for the announcement of the next Bachelorette. Would we get bland playmate Jade? Perhaps fun-loving cruise ship crooner Carly (her hand puppets were to die for!). Or maybe Becca, Chris' final reject? 

But then out of nowhere, we were treated to a bombshell. TWO BACHELORETTES - ole whiny Britt and feisty Canadian Kaitlyn competing against each other first and then for the affections of 25 guys. As if this show wasn't crazy enough, they dropped this on us. 

Everyone's reaction was pretty much this:

Even Joaquin Phoenix was shocked.

So while we may hate the idea (and really, we do), we must trudge forward with our duty of ranking these 25 men who've voluntarily put themselves on the dumbest/greatest show on earth each week. I've lost three straight seasons to Chase. But I feel like this is my season!

Just as we did for Chris' season of The Bachelor, Chase and I won't do a blind ranking of this season's contestants. Instead, we will choose our POWER 5 this week as well as who we think will be this season's Bachelorette (honestly we're not even sure if that's how tonight will go down but it seems as good a guess as anyone has).

POWER 5

For those of you not familiar, the POWER 5 are the five men each of us thinks has the best shot at making the actual final 5. If you think this is nearly impossible with 25 men to start, you'd be sort of right. But for some context, even though it's a blind guess with only brief bios and a short teaser clip from ABC to guide us, we both did remarkably well last season. Each one of us had a POWER 5 pick in the FINAL 2. Yeah, we're pretty good like that. 
 
Scoring of the POWER 5 is pretty straightforward. When we get to the final 5 men, Chase and I will revisit each of our POWER 5 choices. For each man in our POWER 5 who makes the actual final 5, we will be awarded 1 bonus point (for a maximum of 5 bonus points). If one of our POWER 5 choices wins the whole thing, that person will receive an additional 5 bonus bonus points.
 
BACHELORETTE CHOICE
 
This one is pretty cut and dry. Based on virtually no information about tonight's episode, each of us will attempt to name who we think will be this season's Bachelorette. It's a 50/50 shot. Britt or Kaitlyn.
 
If one of us manages to correctly guess, that player will receive an automatic 3 bonus points.
 
Without further ado, here are each of our POWER 5 choices as well as our predictions for who will be this season's Bachelorette.

 

POWER 5

1. Ben Z, 26, Entrepreneur, San Jose, CA - Ben’s answer to the “lunch with one person” question is spot on. Choosing your mom is always the right answer. My worry with fitness coaches is their over-the-top love of fitness, but I think he’ll be around for a while. And his favorite movie is Wedding Crashers— think of the foreshadowing from last season’s date with Chris & eventual winner, Whitney. This is happening.

2. Joshua, 31, Industrial Wielder, Kuna, ID - In a new strategy this year, I’m cheering for someone named Joshua. Simply because I think it's going to give me the karmic advantage over my fellow ranker and blog buddy Josh.

3. Bradley, 25, International Auto Shipper, Atlanta, GA - He’s a Division 1 athlete that packs a healthy sense of sarcasm. If Kaitlyn advances, I think Bradley goes a long way.

4. Ian, 28, Executive Recruiter, Los Angeles, CA - Dude wants to have lunch with Jimmy Kimmel. Lets make this happen, ABC. His admiration of Richard Branson is unique and shows he’s pretty well-versed in the field of business. I think Ian makes a good run & will also make for good TV.

5. Clint, 27, Architectural Engineer, Chicago, IL - Choosing Chuck Norris as “who you’d want to be for a day” is a pretty solid selection. Clint fits the profile of a Bachelorette contestant. The Juan Pablo-esque locks, the big-city flare, the admiration of his father’s work ethic. In this POWER 5 business of judging a book by its cover, this cover seems like he’ll be a best-seller. In fact, I’ll take it one step further: Clint will be next season’s Bachelor. You heard it here first.

BACHELORETTE CHOICE

• My heart: The visceral side of me is telling me that it will be Kaitlyn. The guys know Britt’s manipulative side. They’ve seen it. Kaitlyn would be the ultimate Bachelorette. Down with Costco dates, Jimmy Kimmel loves her and is dynamic enough that the dates aren’t just going to be your standard, run of the mill Bachelorette dates. 
• My gut: Everyone last year was seemingly on #TeamBritt for the first 8-10 weeks of the show. Britt’s true colors seemed to show, but it seemed that Bachelor Nation was on Team Britt. My gut is telling me the guys are going to fall for her.
• My choice: If there is one thing that the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchised has taught me, it is to always trust your heart. I’m going to go Kaitlyn and a season of her Canadian swagger. AND GUYS BRITT DOESN’T SHOWER. 

 

POWER 5

1. Ben H, 26, Software Salesman, Denver, CO - PROS: This dude is tall (6'4"), handsome (check out that smile!), good taste in movies (The Sandlot, 500 Days of Summer). CONS: software salesman (is this code for unemployed?); age (26 is pretty young to be ready for a long term commitment - especially for someone who is voluntarily on The Bachelorette). He could either be out on night 1 or go to the end. I'm hoping it's the latter.

2. Ian, 28, Executive Recruiter, Los Angeles, CA - Ian is a wild card. He could go far but likely won't. And I really hate saying that because he seems like a good dude. But people of color have had a tough road on this franchise. And when I picked Marcus as part of my POWER 5 in Andi's season last year, that didn't work out for me. But I have confidence in Ian. Good looking guy, tall, athletic. He's the full package. Let's hope whichever lady is our Bachelorette recognizes it as well.

3. Joshua, 31, Industrial Welder, Kuna, ID - A good looking guy who has a real job (industrial welder) and lives in a part of the United States that doesn't start with "Los" and end with "Angeles." He also lists Dumb and Dumber as one of his favorite movies (#noshame #comingoutstrong). He's got nine (!) tattoos (seriously, where is he hiding these?) but has done some totally rad stuff like climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro. And how can I not pick one of the two guys with my namesake?

4. Justin, 28, Fitness Trainer Naperville, IL - I hesitate to put two fitness gurus/personal trainers in my POWER 5 (see: B, Shawn below), but Justin seems like a really standup guy. His taste in movies is strong, he seems to have a solid 5 year plan and his answer for who he'd want to be for a day was actually pretty great. If he's as good in real life as he is on paper, we could see a deep run for Justin.
 
5. Shawn B, 28, Personal Trainer, Windsor Locks, CT - I'm a little concerned he might be too much of a frat guy (personal trainer - "do you even lift, bro?") but for some reason, he looks pretty genuine in his photo. He also comes across as pretty normal in his bio and manages to slip in hints that he likes kids (check), likes dogs (check) and, pretty explicitly, that he loves One Direction (triple check!). He notes that his biggest accomplishment was owning/rehabbing an 1888 farmhouse. Perfect bridge from Chris Soules?!

BACHELORETTE CHOICE

Kaitlyn - Kaitlyn is fun, funny and will keep the show moving throughout the season. Plus this keeps our neighbors up North happy, eh? She's cute, knows Jimmy Kimmel (please give us another cameo!) and she raps. Don't forget that she raps. Plus I can't possibly throw my support behind someone who doesn't wash her hair and sleeps in her make-up. Ew, Britt. Go home.