The Bachelor Five - Week 4 with Prince Farming

We're down under a dozen ladies! 19 women down, 11 women left.

Four weeks in and we have a new leader in the Power Rankings competition. After saying goodbye to four women this week, Chase brings his score to 140 and I've fallen just behind with 138. Chase wins the week for the second consecutive week 47-41.

The Four Sentence Recap

All of the ladies are feeling good about themselves because they've outlasted 15 other women in the pursuit of Prince Farming's heart until Chris Harrison comes and delivers this week's PLOT TWIST - Chris' three sisters will be deciding who gets the week's only one-on-one date (spoiler: they pick Jade). 8 girls get sloppy seconds are lucky enough to go on the first group date which involves swimming, camping, bee stings and late night tent visits before Kaitlyn the Dance Instructor gets the group date rose (I'm smelling final four). This week's only one-on-one date is a Cinderella themed ball with Jade in a pretty standard dress Cinderella ballgown and is totally boring except for the fact that Jade totally has to lie about Chris' truly awful dancing skills (she gets a rose due to her solid acting and fine body good company and sweet smile). Another group date happens where some girls run through mud in wedding dresses (as weird as it sounds) before Chris says goodbye to Jillian the News Producer (that's a wrap!), Juelia the Esthetician (couldn't make up enough ground), Nikki the Former NFL Cheerleader (ejected for excessive use of silence) and Ashley S. the Hair Stylist (what a tease). 

The Bachelor Five
The Five Things You Need to Know About Last Night's Episode

5. Tent Confessions – It’s crazy to think that in two weeks, Ashley I. has become the most unstable person in Bachelor mansion. I could spend the entirety of “The Bachelor Five” this week talking about just how ridiculous she was this week but instead, let’s focus on three things. 1. Her obsession with telling Chris she is a virgin by sneaking into his tent on the group date and then NOT TELLING HIM WHAT SHE WANTED TO SAY (but really, WHY does she want to tell him this information so badly?) 2. She revealed that she pretty regularly describes herself as a hopeless romantic Disney princess. Right. Totally normal. 3. She then revealed to Chris that she was a virgin at the cocktail party (you know, by actually saying those words) and then totally broke down about her decision to do so. She even had to have Mackenzie the Messenger deliver her news to the other women. Take a note from Becca (also a virgin but oh so much classier) and BE COOL or Chris might be like this next week:

4. A Study in Chris – I think it’s time to have a serious discussion that we’ve been putting off since the beginning of the season. Is Chris actually dumb? He had a trifecta of moments last night that really bring into question whether or not Chris has a genuine brain or several ears of corn between his ears. 1. He claimed to have trouble understanding the (relatively normal) speed at which Jillian was speaking. Instead he turned his attention to fairies and unicorns. 2. He strung together possibly the most incoherent series of words in Bachelor history (and really that’s saying something) in response to a legitimate question from #TeamBritt. 3. He kept Ashley I. Enough said.

3. The Interviews – Man this really fell flat. The Bachelor producers paid to fly in Chris’ three sisters (one from Ireland!) instead of, you know, paying for better dates (a group date to a non-descript lake!) to help choose a girl for Chris’ only one-on-one date this week. These three knew less about the seven ladies from whom they were choosing than Chris did (which is really saying something since one of those girls was Nikki who has said a total of 11 words since she arrived in Bachelor mansion). I will admit that they got lucky by picking Jade (you have to think they had some help from the producers) and the date was a wonderful mesh of product placement from the new film Cinderella (hey wasn't that the guy from Game of Thrones?!) and Neil Lane diamonds (“Jade you get to keep these diamond earrings from Neil Lane if you expressly say in your confessional interview how excited you are to keep these Neil Lane diamond earrings") and Chris’ truly atrocious waltzing ability.

2. How Do You Solve a Problem Like Miss Kelsey? – I like Kelsey. I really do. But since Week 1 (Night 1, really), she hasn't done much of anything to merit my affection. Sure she slogged through the 1st Annual Farm Games last week. But other than showing her penchant for gagging on goat milk, she didn't really strut her stuff. This week saw her completely out of her element on the lake/camping trip ("The water is SO muddy here and I am NOT a bimbo.") and next week's preview suggests disaster for her (Drama with Chris! Drama with the other ladies! An EMT!). I'm not ready to give up on Kelsey yet but my confidence in her ability to become the next Bachelorette is waning (my money is moving to Becca). Perhaps she's just not cut out for this show after all. 

1. Goodbye to Ashley S. – This Tweet says it all:

 

Follow @TheFakeBachelor on Twitter for more gems like this. And really, Chris – WHAT ARE YOU?