The Bachelor Power Rankings

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

The Bachelor Five - Week 3 with Prince Farming

We're down to the Sweet 15 (doesn't have quite the same ring, huh?). 15 women down, 15 women left vying for Chris' heart.

Three weeks down and the Power Rankings score is getting tighter. After saying goodbye to three women, Chase brings his score to 93 and I'm sitting just ahead at 97. Chase wins the week 43-41.

Nothing to see here.

The Four Sentence Recap

After Jimmy Kimmel arrives and wakes Prince Farming from his slumber, we learn that Mr. Kimmel himself will be planning the dates for this week’s episode (oh this should be good). First one-on-one date goes to Kaitlyn and she and Chris head to Costco for bulk buying and making out in the middle of the store and then later that night while having dinner with Jimmy Kimmel squarely between them (yes you read that right). A group date sees 12 of the women competing in traditional Iowan tasks (such as frying eggs for the men, milking goats to give milk to the men and wrestling greasy pigs to provide bacon for the men – Carly “wins” yet loses the group date rose to Becca) and the second one-on-one date goes to Whitney where the two casually crash a wedding and make out under the stars. In lieu of a cocktail party this week, we get the coveted afternoon pool party where Jade makes a move, Juelia tells her sad tale and Jillian intimidates everyone there (including Chris) before we say goodbye to Trina the special education teacher (simply too slow building a relationship), Tracy the 4^th grade teacher (schooled by love) and Amber the bartender (a tip for you – don’t look for your husband on The Bachelor) who all left Bachelor mansion rose-less.

The Bachelor Five
The Five Things You Need to Know About Last Night's Episode

5. Kardashians Are People Too! – Ashley I. had quite a week. She even managed to steal the crazy spotlight from Ashley S. (who only managed to have a truly amazingly over the top “blink and you’ll miss it” reaction to Becca receiving the rose on the group date). Ashley I. went through emotions of Ron Burgundy proportions last night and managed to score the final rose of the evening despite not being able to show off her “Kardashian” look at the cancelled cocktail party. Instead she managed to woo Chris with a truly awful headband and plentiful macking through her tears (Chris is a weird dude).

Video footage of Ashley I. just before speaking with Chris.

4. The Black Box – Two weeks in a row and this is getting serious. Just why exactly is Jillian's butt censored so often with the now infamous black box? It’s become such a topic of conversation that The Washington Post (yes, the same paper that reports serious issues like job growth and wars and other stuff like that) has published an actual story on the continued appearance of the black box. It seems that even Jillian herself is confused as to why she is being so heavily censored. Here is my theory: The first time the black bar appeared was an actual necessity for the editors – they had to cover up something you can’t show on network TV. Every time since that first black bar? A big elaborate joke. I mean, think about it. It’s got to be dull for the editors to pare down hours of video to create just two hours of the most dramatic footage ever shown on television. It looks like the editors have a pretty great sense of humor. And for our sake, here’s hoping it doesn't go away anytime soon.

3. Wedding Crashers – Chris and Whitney had a lovely date planned at a winery. But why do that when you can f***ing crash an event someone has spent the past year of their life obsessively planning?! As someone who is recently married, I would have been pretty mad if Prince Farming and some baby voiced adult crashed my big day (I mean, at least these people got Maroon 5). True the rumors circling the Internet that wedding was faked are probably true. But if it wasn't, what a bummer for the bride and groom that, as many people pointed out on Twitter, we didn't even get a single Wedding Crashers quote?

2. Kissing Crazy – Chris’ kissing antics have gotten out of control. While it’s definitely “normal” to kiss multiple women as The Bachelor, Chris is kissing so many girls so quickly, he barely has time to pop a Tic Tac in between. He kisses them while enjoying the sights at the Grand Canyon, while standing on balconies, while sitting on couches, while gazing at the stars after ~~your best friend’s wedding~~ some rando’s wedding, while relaxing in hot tubs with Jimmy Kimmel sitting next to you and chowing down on chicken wings, while lying in his bed and even while bulk shopping at Costco (hey, two birds with one stone, I guess). It’s true that many of the girls are approaching him for some time spent snogging but seriously dude, show some self-control.

1. Jimmy Kimmel – If you had any doubt that The Bachelor understands it’s a ridiculous show with a ridiculous premise, look no further than the inclusion of Jimmy Kimmel on last night’s episode. Sure he helped to draw viewers who might otherwise have ignored the show. But in reality, he provided the humorous biting commentary that is mostly relegated to Twitter on Monday night and recaps like this one that follow the day after. It was an interesting move by Bachelor producers to include him (and let him to say and do whatever he wanted – including verbally criticizing the spectacle of the show) but as a viewer, I think it paid off.

Monday, January 19, 2015

Bachelor Power Rankings - Week 3 - "The Return of Prince Farming"

Another week, another set of women embarrassing themselves trying to win the affection of one pretty average guy from Iowa. There were bikini tractor races, impromptu trips to the Grand Canyon and zombie hunting at the ~~Mesa Verde~~ local paintball range. If you missed "The Bachelor Five" from last week (our take on the five most important things you missed on last week's episode), be sure to check that out here.

Three of the world's most feared things: spiders, snakes and jumping.

Now for this week's power rankings. With 18 girls left and the score extremely close (Chase at 50 and me at 56), this is truly anyone's game. As with last week, both Chase and I will attempt to rank each remaining contestant based on who we think has the best chance of moving forward to next week's show. The ladies at the bottom of our list are the ones each of us think are most likely to head home. Here's our official rules.

The winner will be based on the player with the most points at the end of the season (this ain't golf, folks).

POWER 5: We will mark our Power 5 choices with a * so you can keep track of how well we predicted from the start. Chase has all 5 in play. Josh is down to 4 after Tandra's exit last week.

*Nikki, 26, Former NFL Cheerleader, NY - Very quiet week from Nikki. I would move her down, but that would probably require me to move Britt up. Which I refuse to do this week. You heard it here first: Nikki shines this week.
*Kelsey, 28, Guidance Counselor, TX - Call it the Sharleen effect, but Kelsey is normal, y’all. A regular person with real things going on in her life. Well spoken, friendly, and someone that would be perfect for a hometown date. I still worry about the baggage, but homegirl seems bright enough to have honestly thought through the implications of searching for love in front of a nation of onlookers.
Britt, 27, Waitress, CA - Still can’t really get excited about Britt. I know Chris is absolutely infatuated, but Iowan love just doesn’t make sense to me, apparently. She didn’t do anything to cause me to drop her from last week, but I’m leaving her at 3 out of protest.
*Jade, 28, Cosmetics Developer, CA - Jade is a silent dark horse right now. I think she’s right where she needs to be for now. She’s playing the long-game.
Becca, 25, Chiropractic Assistant, CA - Bad news: she was on the group date last week. Good news: she survived the group date. I think she and Chris have a connection and she’ll be in line for a one-on-one in the coming weeks.
Megan, 24, Make-up Artist, TN - My mom was an English teacher and had a sign in her classroom that she’d point to whenever someone was being obnoxious and complaining. It said: “Life is hard. Get a helmet.” My mom must have taught Megan. Or Chris Harrison has the sign in his room. Wear a helmet, kids.
Ashley I., 26, Freelance Journalist, NJ - I’ve gone on a handful of first dates in my life. Most have been relatively normal and relatively pleasant or relatively painful. I can’t really speak for Chris, but if a girl asked me to rub her belly button ring for a wish, I’d throw that in the not normal, unpleasant and painful category. That was weird for all of us.
*Whitney, 29, Fertility Nurse, IL - I think I just need more time to get to know Whitney. I’m really glad she’s in my POWER 5, I think she’s safe for several weeks to come, but we just didn’t see enough of her.
Kaitlyn, 29, Dance Instructor, BC - One of my biggest movers of the week, she seemed to calm down after the relatively off-color jokes in the season premier. Do it for Canada, Kaitlyn!
Amber, 29, Bartender, IL - She got a kiss this week, so that would be big… But Chris kisses everyone. Literally.
Carly, 29, Cruise Ship Singer, TX - Maybe she’s normal after all? But probably not.
Juelia, 30, Esthetician, OR - The best part of Juelia is that her name sounds wayyyy to much like Jillian. Rose Ceremony hilarity ensues.
Samantha, 27, Fashion Designer, CA -I had hope for her last week, but it is dwindling. She needs to shine. And she needs to shine now. Also… how is the market for fashion designers in Iowa?
Mackenzie, 21, Dental Assistant, WA - But seriously guys, do aliens exist? Mackenzie is why I write for this blog. Because if people are willing to ask those questions on national TV, I’m willing to spend time each week researching and writing about those contestant. Also. Kale
*Jillian, 25, News Producer, DC - Well this week changed everything. Jillian struggled walking this week. Literally. And we found out too much about her. Just too much about her. Jillian’s stock is dropping quickly, and I think she’ll be my first POWER 5 to leave.
Trina, 33, Special Education Teacher, CA - One week of not getting much airtime, chalk it up to the editing. 2 weeks of not getting airtime, you’re ranked in my bottom 3.
Tracy, 29, Fourth Grade Teacher, FL - I love thinking about the careers of the contestants on this show and their return and eventual assimilation back into their profession. You’re a Hair Stylist? Hilarious stories to share. News Producer? You were doing research. Teacher? HOW WILL YOUR STUDENTS EVER RESPECT YOU AGAIN?
Ashley S., 24, Hair Stylist, NY - The verdict from most of Bachelor Nation seems to be a plant by the producers. She’s too crazy, too insane to be real, right? Maybe. But you can’t tell me that you don’t have a friend from college that drunkenly acted like Ashley S. If you don’t have that friend, there’s a good chance you are that friend.

Megan, 24, Make-up Artist, TN - What a showing in Week 2. As I pointed out in "The Bachelor Five" last week, the first one-on-one date recipients tend to go far. If history is our guide, she's going far. Not the winner in my book (how many brain cells did she lose ramming her head into the wall to test the durability of Chris' motorcycle helmet) but far enough to make it several more weeks.
Kaitlyn, 29, Dance Instructor, BC - She was tapped by Chris for the second group date rose and her spunky attitude is on pointe. Chris was jazzed with Kaitlyn and I expect another rose to swing her way this week.
Mackenzie, 21, Dental Assistant, WA - Despite gushing over Kale (her son not the vegetable), her belief in aliens (the extra-terrestrials not the immigrants) and her love of big noses et. all (the schnozes not the smart-alecks), Chris was still swooning. But once he discovers that he was pounding 40s before she could count to 40, he's going to send her packing. For now, though, she's safe.
Britt, 27, Waitress, CA - The only recipient of the "Prince Farming Kiss Coupon," Britt continued to make an impression in Week 2 despite being overlooked for a group date rose. I'm not a fan yet but there are plenty of people on #TeamBritt including Prince Farming himself.
Ashley I., 26, Freelance Journalist, NJ - My words of wisdom for Chris: RUN, do not walk to the nearest exit. Belly button wish rubbing. Need I say more?
*Nikki, 26, Former NFL Cheerleader, NY - I don't think we heard a peep out of Nikki last week and yet, she was safely through to Week 3. This is good news with so many women still around.
*Kelsey, 28, Guidance Counselor, TX - See Nikki.
Jillian, 25, News Producer, DC - Well we certainly learned some telling things about Jillian in Week 2. Namely that her laugh is grating. Why oh why did she let Chris see that so early in the game?! If she let's that slip again (pun intended), she could be a goner.
*Becca, 25, Chiropractic Assistant, CA - I still like Becca and she was visible enough on the second group date for the producers despite not getting much attention from Chris. I'm predicting that she's going to break out this week.
*Jade, 28, Cosmetics Developer, CA - I'm baffled by Jade. She seems confident but hasn't made a move yet. A preview for this week suggests she does make a move. Will it pay off?
Amber, 29, Bartender, IL - She actually has a winning personality but it remains to be seen whether or not Chris takes a vested interest in getting to know that personality. If so, she could stick around. If not, she's going home soon.
Juelia, 30, Esthetician, OR - I still think Chris bolts the other way when he figures out how her name is spelled but despite a quiet week, she made it through with little drama.
Samantha, 27, Fashion Designer, CA - I still don't know much about her so she is slipping down this week. Unless we get to know her this week (and more importantly unless Chris gets to know her this week), she could be walking the runway straight out of Bachelor mansion.
Tracy, 29, Fourth Grade Teacher, FL - Despite the cute limo exit in Week 1, Tracy made no headway in Week 2. Unless she makes a move and proves there is some chemistry, Chris is going to subtract her from the equation and she'll be history.
Whitney, 29, Fertility Nurse, IL - It's a risk to put her down this low since she's gotten a decent amount of screen time thus far. But, eh. Just not feeling that baby voice.
Trina, 33, Special Education Teacher, CA - Not a good week to be a teacher in Bachelor mansion. The edit is telling and with Trina, it's telling us that she won't be around much longer.
Carly, 29, Cruise Ship Singer, TX – She made a lame impression in Week 1 (hot pink child's karaoke machine) and no impression in Week 2. Strike 3 this week and she is out of here.
Ashley S., 24, Hair Stylist, NY – Wow. I could have sworn dodo birds went extinct years ago. You have to think keeping her around is some sort of producer pulling the strings. How long could this possibly go on before Chris puts his Iowa boot down and refuses? Send her off to the Mesa Verde and let's get on with the real competition.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

The Bachelor Five - Week 2 with Prince Farming

Another week, another two hours spent with Chris (not Harrison who was truly nowhere to be found after appearing hungover in the first couple of minutes of the episode and then again at the rose ceremony).

After Week 2, we have our first Power Rankings score update. After saying goodbye to Tara, Jordan, Tandra, Alissa and Kimberly (for the second time), Chase is at 50 points and I'm at 56 points. With a difference of only six points after Week 2, this is still anyone's game.

Administrative Note - After 2 weeks, all of Chase's POWER 5 choices remain while I'm down to four (Tandra was one of my initial choices).

"I would never shoot anybody... UNLESS YOU ARE A MOTHER F***ING ZOMBIE."

The Four Sentence Recap

After keeping Kimberly in an unprecedented Bachelor move, Chris took six of the now remaining 23 women on the first group date of the season (including Kimberly - drama!). While the group date girls enjoyed a pool party/downtown LA bikini tractor race with Chris (totally normal), Jillian and Megan decided breaking and entering doesn't apply when your on The Bachelor and began rifling through Chris' personal things back at ~~the ranch~~ Bachelor mansion ("HAHAHA LOOK AT US WE'RE SO CUTE GOING THROUGH ALL OF CHRIS' RAD STUFF LIKE HIS MOTORCYCLE HELMET"). Megan scored the first one-on-one date (more on that in The Bachelor Five below) and another gaggle of girls (ELEVEN) went on the second group date where the biggest revelation was that ASHLEY S. IS ACTUALLY BONKERS. At the cocktail party, Chris rubbed an actual woman's belly button to "receive three wishes" (do we think he knows you're supposed to rub a lamp?) before mumbling his way through the rose ceremony and saying goodbye to Tara the sport fishing enthusiast (hook, line and "sink her"), Tandra the executive assistant (clear out your desk, please), Alissa (cross check before take off), Jordan the student (expelled due to excessive drunkenness) and Kimberly the yoga instructor (salute the sun on your way out).

The Bachelor Five
The Five Things You Need to Know About Last Night's Episode

5. Kimberly is Back – This may seem minor. After all, Kimberly was promptly eliminated at the end of Week 2 for the second time (third time’s a charm?). But Chris set a new precedent. Kimberly was eliminated in the first rose ceremony and he brought her back. For Chris, there are no rules in the game of love. Who knows if this will matter the rest of the season but what does matter is that the girls are very aware that Chris walks the ~~field less plowed~~ road less traveled - and that could make all the difference.

4. The Group Date Conundrum – Group dates are weird. Just ask any polygamist. But that’s part of the deal with The Bachelor so I can let that part go. That aside, can we all agree that the group dates have become incredibly lame? Like who is planning these things? A bikini tractor race in downtown LA? The budget seems both incredibly large (“Let’s pay to close down streets downtown and rent six large and expensive tractors. For what? Oh you know, so the girls can race them in bikinis and stuff.”) and incredibly small (“Helmets? We're out of money. They all signed a waiver, right?). Let’s hope the dates improve as the numbers dwindle.

3. First One-On-One Date – A History – Okay so yeah Megan got the first date and yeah she and Chris macked at the Grand Canyon and yeah she told him her sad backstory but does the first one-on-one date actually matter in the grand scheme of things on the show? Interestingly enough, it appears that it does. I took a look at the past six seasons of The Bachelor to see who snagged the coveted first one-on-one date (thanks Wikipedia!) and how it played out for that woman in the run of their season:

Season 13 – Bachelor Jason Mesnick picked Jillian. She went on to finish in 3^rd place and become the next Bachelorette.
Season 14 – Bachelor Jake Pavelka picked Ali. She went on to finish in 4^th place and become the next Bachelorette.
Season 15 – Bachelor Brad Womack picked Ashley H. She went on to finish in 3^rd place and become the next Bachelorette.
Season 16 – Bachelor Ben Flajnik picked Kacie B. She went on to finish in 4^th place and would go on to appear on Season 17 of The Bachelor with Sean Lowe.
Season 17 – Bachelor Sean Lowe picked Sarah. She went on to finish in 9^th place. SPECIAL NOTE – Desiree received the second one-on-one date of the season and went on to finish in 4^th place and become the next Bachelorette.
Season 18 – Bachelor Juan Pablo Galavis picked Clare. She went on to finish in 2^nd place and become crazy.

Wow. If history is any indicator, Megan should be around for the long haul (but almost certainly won't win). The past six girls to receive the first one-on-one date have finished an average of 4^th place and three have gone on to become the next Bachelorette. I don’t think Megan falls into the latter category (keeping my fingers crossed for Kelsey!) but she will definitely be around for a while.

2. Love and Other Drugs – Last week it was Tara who imbibed a bit too much. This week, Jordan finds herself twerking against the wall after finding herself on the wrong side of an empty bottle and then screaming “I WANT TO MAKE OUT” during the cocktail party (giving a voice to alcohol since she turned 21). Rough week Jordan.

But the single biggest offender of alcohol intake is the incomparable Ashley S. Not only did she wield her paintball gun on the group date like she was freaking Ben Stiller in Tropic Thunder, she also babbled on so incoherently, Chris had to pull her aside and ask if she was okay. The only possible reasons for Ashley’s behavior are 1. She drank all of the alcohol in the state of California 2. She’s actually insane or 3. There is something else going on (drugs, I mean drugs). Good thing he got rid of Tara, Jordan and Ashley S. at the rose cere – WAIT HE F***ING KEPT ASHLEY S.? I don’t even know what to say anymore.

Ashley S. on The Bachelor during the zombie paintball group date.

1. #TeamBritt – It’s time to admit it. #TeamBritt is real. I wanted to believe Week 1 was a fluke. I wanted to believe that Chris didn’t actually feel a connection and that the “First Impression Rose” was nothing more than that - a first impression that wouldn't last. I wanted to believe that he was momentarily fooled by the prospect of sports bra hiking in LA. But I was wrong. #TeamBritt is alive and well and she’s going far – even if I’m not on board yet.

Monday, January 12, 2015

Bachelor Power Rankings - Week 2 - "The Return of Prince Farming"

Well last week was a doozy. A three hour nearly interminable doozy that was only saved by some truly oddball contestants (who, crazy enough, are back after their insane first night showing). If you missed "The Bachelor Five" from last week (our take on the five most important moments from last week's episode), check it out here.

Can anyone tell which is the pomegranate and which is the onion? Asking for a friend...

So now we have the true task ahead of us. Both Chase and I will attempt to rank each remaining contestant (that's 22 after Week 1 if you are keeping track) based on who we think has the best chance of moving forward to next week's show. The ladies at the bottom of our list are the ones each of us think are most likely to head home. Here's our official rules:

The Rules: We will rank the remaining Bachelor contestants. Points will be awarded each week based on how well each of us predict the contestants going home. For example, if Josh puts CONTESTANT A in spot 7 and Chase puts CONTESTANT A in spot 10 and CONTESTANT A goes home, Josh will get 7 points and Chase will get 10.

The winner will be based on the player with the most points at the end of the season (this ain't golf, folks). The prize for the winner will be announced on next week's power rankings!

Administrative Note: As we mentioned in "The Bachelor Five" from last week, each of our POWER 5 choices remain in the hunt for Chris' heart. Each week, we will mark our Power 5 choices with a * so you can keep track of how well we predicted from the start.

*Nikki, 26, Former NFL Cheerleader, NY—Listen. Anyone that hikes Machu Picchu and then REPORTS DIRECTLY TO THE SET OF THE BACHELOR is bad ass. She seems down to earth and adventurous and just for those two things, she claims the top spot of my rankings this week. She also retweeted something I posted on Twitter this week, so bonus points for that.
*Kelsey, 28, Guidance Counselor, TX—Kelsey is unequivocally adorable. She seems like an old friend that you know from college that you keep up with and text regularly and she genuinely cares about your life despite the fact that she has no incentive to do so (anyone that is a college friend of mine that falls under this category and is reading this blog, thank you for that role in my life). Anyway, the widow factor is a bit of a wild card. Tough to tell if she’s is able to get past it so quickly—I know that would be a major red flag if I were in Chris’ shoes.
Britt, 27, Waitress, CA—I am just not on #TeamBritt. I know I’m supposed to be. I know the nation is. I know it. I get it. But I just don’t see it. I am ranking her at number 3 because I have to. Not because I want to.
*Jade, 28, Cosmetics Developer, CA—I was terrified that Jade was going home during the rose ceremony. In fact, I missed her name being called and had to check to make sure she stayed around. Chris seemed infatuated after the limo reveal. I think she stays around for a while.
Becca, 25, Chiropractic Assistant, CA—I’m ranking her highly because of Chris’ reaction when she got out of the limo, but let’s be serious, he was obsessed with all of them. She’s not going anywhere this week.
Ashley I., 26, Freelance Journalist, NJ—I really liked Ashley. Not a ton of camera time up front, but she definitely won the “coolest Ashley on the Bachelor” award this season
Samantha, 27, Fashion Designer, CA—Her biography talks a lot about family. I think if she gets some one-on-one time, she may be able to impress.
*Whitney, 29, Fertility Nurse, IL— Whitney seemed relatively nice—once you got past the make babies comments. She mocks herself on her twitter and says she prefers watching on mute, which is kind of hilarious. Bonus points for her being active on social media and not taking herself all too seriously.
Mackenzie, 21, Dental Assistant, WA – Guys. Kale is adorable. I’ve added “Kale” and “Chicory” to my short list of names for my future children. That cool, H? Good talk.
Tandra, 30, Executive Assistant, UT—T-AND-ra? T-AWE-ndra? Tand-ruh? T-und-ra? My goal is to find out this week.
Jordan, 24, Student, CO—These bios are pure gold. You know that? If I went on a dating show and was asked how to impress someone, my answer probably wouldn’t be: “Give him a sexy dance because it would turn him on and hopefully lead to more.”
Carly, 29, Cruise Ship Singer, TX – The Dress? The singing? I bet she sticks around for a bit—anyone that is a cruise ship singer has a ton of great stories and a personality to match it.
Tara, 26, Sport Fishing Enthusiast, FL—Entertaining? Resounding Yes. But will she stick around? If she was going to get kicked of soon, wouldn’t that have already happened? There has to be a reason she’s staying around. Country loves country, right?
*Jillian, 25, News Producer, DC—Holy biceps. What did your mother tell you about flexing on the first date?
Tracy, 29, Fourth Grade Teacher, FL – I’m not really convinced this girl was on the show.
Alissa, 24, Flight Attendant, NJ—Ugh. The airline schtick was too much. Give her an exit row, already.
Amber, 29, Bartender, IL – I don’t even know you, Amber.
Kaitlyn, 29, Dance Instructor, BC— It wasn’t the offensive nature of her jokes that I think Chris didn’t like, but if you recall, she actually cut him off and he responded “How about I do the talking?” She’s not staying around for too long.
Juelia, 30, Esthetician, OR—I’m watching the Golden Globes right now and don’t really have anything insightful…so…next?
Trina, 33, Special Education Teacher, CA—In her ABC Profile she refers to diarrhea as “di-di”. Nope.
Megan, 24, Make-up Artist, TN—Seems (rightfully) Self-deprecating.
Ashley S., 24, Hair Stylist, NY—Oh #OnionGirl. As a relatively new watcher of this incredible television show series, this was the most incredible thing I’ve ever seen. It harkens back to a friend of mine showing up to a bar with twigs in her outfit, proclaiming herself as the “Wise Woman of the Forest.” God bless that pomegranate.

Britt, 27, Waitress, CA – After getting the (droopy) “First Impression Rose” from Chris (I mean, she was first out of the limos) as well as an unexpected FIRST NIGHT KISS, Britt is the clear front runner. But what’s up with that fake hiking and weirdly long hug?
*Kelsey, 28, Guidance Counselor, TX – This girl has a really sad backstory and seems genuine. She got a really favorable edit in Week 1. Perhaps too favorable? Are we looking at the next Bachelorette?
*Nikki, 26, Former NFL Cheerleader, NY – Nikki gave Chris the adorable heart-shaped rock straight from Peru. Can you bring rocks through customs? Maybe if you tell them you are going to be on The Bachelor? She’s not going anywhere.
Ashley I., 26, Freelance Journalist, NJ – When I first went through the girls before Week 1, Ashley I. was pretty middle of the pack for me. But based on the fact that she is a virgin (revealed in a preview for this week) and Chris Harrison already mentioned off the cuff that a virgin makes it to the Fantasy Suite (could there really be more than one on the show?), I think Ashley I. is safe for a long while. Just call me Sherlock Holmes for deducing the hell out of that one.
*Becca, 25, Chiropractic Assistant, CA - She made a strong impression out of the limo and Chris even complimented her dress (whether this was because he actually liked it or if it was because he actually liked how short it was remains to be seen). Other pluses for Becca are that she seems natural around him already and seems mature for 25. Count on her to stick around for a bit.
Alissa, 24, Flight Attendant, NJ – My initial look at her before Week 1 was not favorable. She ranked in the bottom third of girls. And though her extended intro was full of some of the most abysmal airline puns imaginable, she got a good edit.
*Jade, 28, Cosmetics Developer, CA - She was the last out of the limos but she looked STUNNING. I’m obviously biased as she is in my POWER 5 but no way Chris is “jaded” with her yet. I hope for our sake that we get to know her a little better.
Mackenzie, 21, Dental Assistant, WA – She got a good edit in Week 1 and a fair amount of screen time, which is why she is this high. But the girl is TWENTY-ONE and has a son named Kale (yes, like the plant). She’s safe this week but Chris will soon realize he was shucking long before Mackenzie was even in school.
Jillian, 25, News Producer, DC – She is RIPPED. When Chris looks at Jillian, it’s clear his mind is in the right place – girl could throw some hay bales around.
Samantha, 27, Fashion Designer, CA – Unmemorable in Week 1 but based on my preseason look, she ranks pretty high. Until I get more information, she is staying closer to the top than the bottom.
Tracy, 29, Fourth Grade Teacher, FL – Her limo exit was great (she read notes from her students) and she ranked high in my first look at this season’s contestants.
Amber, 29, Bartender, IL – It took three looks through the episode to actually catch her coming out of the limo but in her defense, it was likely because it was spliced together with Tara’s attention grabbing wardrobe change. The teddy bear thing is weird (she can’t live without it and she is ~~four~~ TWENTY-NINE) but she did call Juan Pablo a douche so I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt for now.
*Tandra, 30, Executive Assistant, UT - She said “screw you limo” and rode in on a motorcycle… in a floor length dress. She’s what Dane Cook might call a BAMF. Chris was impressed and so was I. Safe this week.
Kaitlyn, 29, Dance Instructor, BC – I thought for sure that she wouldn’t make it past Week 1 (she led out of the limo with the subtle “You can plow the f*** out of my field any day”) but Chris seems to (inexplicably) like her spunky attitude.
Jordan, 24, Student, CO – No read on this girl yet but right out of the limo she is doing whiskey shots with Chris. Her age will be a problem in the long run but she may have another week in her yet.
Whitney, 29, Fertility Nurse, IL – Ugh. Annoying baby voice Whitney made it through to Week 2 despite comparing her job as a fertility nurse to raising pigs on the farm. I don’t think she’s long for this show.
Megan, 24, Make-up Artist, TN – Eh. I don’t know enough about you to make an informed decision but my first impression is underwhelming.
Trina, 33, Special Education Teacher, CA – She was fairly unmemorable from Week 1 so I will base her low ranking on one fact: The 33 year old’s bio states that her is biggest date fear is “di-di.” Any woman that publicly abbreviates diarrhea “di-di” needs to go bye bye.
Juelia, 30, Esthetician, OR – Can someone tell her parents they spelled “Julia” wrong? Chris won’t get the chance to do it because this girl won’t last long enough to take him home.
Carly, 29, Cruise Ship Singer, TX – She seemed nice enough but the karaoke machine entrance and original song (it won’t be winning any awards) were dreadful. Does she know Iowa is landlocked?
Ashley S., 24, Hair Stylist, NY – This may be too low based on the fact that Chris didn’t witness the onion/pomegranate monologue (if only he knew!) but he can really only keep one Ashley around for the long haul and it ain’t you, babe. And once he finds out that she lists (the god awful Will Smith film) Seven Pounds as one of her favorites, she’s gone in 60 seconds. This is a world where actual good movies exist. Jettison dead weight immediately.
Tara, 26, Sport Fishing Enthusiast, FL – Tara’s first impression wasn’t bad (“Hey! I’m a fun country girl!”). Tara’s last impression wasn’t great (“I’m soooooooooooooo drunk on whiskey! You can’t get mad because you love whiskey so it cancels out. Pick me! I promise I won’t throw up on you!”).

Thursday, January 8, 2015

BREAKING NEWS - ANDI AND JOSH VACATION IN SPLITSVILLE

By now, you've all heard the news that Andi Dorfman, the most recent Bachelorette, has ended things with ~~the love of her life~~ the guy who proposed after dating her for six weeks while she was simultaneously dating lots of other dudes (aka Josh Murray aka older brother of someone who was college famous).

Even the dog is bummed.

While this may come as a shock to ~~absolutely no one~~ some based on the manner in which they carefully cultivated their relationship, it does indeed seem to be their final decision.

But perhaps it isn't so shocking at all. Perhaps this separation was carefully planned. Perhaps this breakup was expertly executed. Surely you must be thinking "Who would do such a thing?!" To that we remind you that there was one person who was actively rooting against the happiness of Andi and Josh. There was one person who was attempting to insert himself smack dab in the center of the true love between Andi and Josh. And that person has a very special message for Andi and all of Bachelor nation:

Nick Viall does something awkward - typical.

Need we say anymore? The Bachelor Power Rankings rests its case.

So what now? Do we spend the rest of this week in a daze of confusion and sadness now that love seems so hopeless? No.

Don't you forget that we have Chris "Prince Farming" Soules on our side. He's our best shot at believing in true love once again.

America thanks you, Chris. Now get back to planning the next harvest. We'll see you Monday night.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

The Bachelor Five - Week 1 with Prince Farming

Recaps are boring. You watched the show. You know what happened. Instead, we'll do a tiny recap of each episode (four sentences) and then bring you "The Bachelor Five" - the five things you need to know about last night's episode.

Administrative note - Neither Chase nor I successfully named the recipient of "The First Impression Rose." But all five of each of our POWER 5 choices made it to Week 2.

We're also lucky to have Chris himself tweeting with us each week. Be sure to follow him on Twitter here!

Chris ponders a life of polygamy.

The 4 Sentence Recap

We were ~~force-fed~~ treated to an hour of Chris Harrison interviewing previous contestants on the red carpet before we finally got to see our Prince Farming - Chris Soules - meet his 30 potential future wives (he did say he maybe wanted to be a polygamist). As can be expected, after the premiere we can question the mental stability of more than half of the contestants (the top of that list includes Tara and Ashley S. – more on them below in The Bachelor Five). Britt appears to be the front runner after receiving the “First Impression Rose.” The first cocktail party lasted until the NEXT MORNING (you can see the sun is coming up when the eliminated girls are being interviewed) and we were left with a cliffhanger inevitably drawing us all back next week (the cliffhanger carries much less weight, however, due to the extremely revealing “THIS SEASON ON THE MOST DRAMATIC SEASON OF THE BACHELOR EVER” preview we were shown).

The Bachelor Five
The Five Things You Need to Know from Last Night's Episode

5. The Live Show – Ugh. This was so unnecessary. I get that there are people in Bachelor Nation who actually care about what D-level former contestants are doing with their lives. We “cared” when they were on the show (unless your name is Clare). But I’d venture to say the majority of us no longer care about people whose names we can no longer remember but are more than likely “Chris” or “Nikki.” Let’s get on with Prince Farming. This live addition to the premiere (which pushed THREE HOURS in total) was a dud. I hope they don’t repeat for next season.

4. Excessive Props – Look, we get it. Props have become something of a staple for Bachelor/Bachelorette contestants when they first meet the person they will attempt to woo. But man things got out of control last night. Sure some of the props were cute: a coupon for a “free hug” from Britt the waitress and the heart shaped rock from Nikki the former NFL cheerleader. But others were downright weird: a karaoke machine that looked like it was stolen from a kindergarten classroom from Carly the cruise ship singer and a heart shaped ACTUAL HEART WTF?! from Reegan the donated tissue specialist (she claimed it wasn’t real but YEAH RIGHT). Future girls - get it together with your props.

3. Onion Girl and The Drunk – Sounds like it could be the newest offering from Sony Pictures, right? The two most controversial decisions Chris made after night 1 were keeping Ashley S. (aka Onion Girl) and Tara (aka The Drunk). Both are clearly off their rockers. This is BAD NEWS for Chris and WONDERFUL NEWS for every single viewer. We were treated to a beautiful soliloquy on onions from Onion Girl who was convinced she was staring at an onion growing in the bushes (it turned out to be ~~the onion’s close relative~~ THE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FROM AN ONION: the pomegranate) and nearly witnessed The Drunk falling off the platform during the rose ceremony (SO CLOSE). We can only hope these two stick around for a few more weeks – it’s guaranteed comedy! Speaking of comedy...

2. Shameless Promotion for The Wedding Ringer – Despite it being shameless promotion for the new movie The Wedding Ringer starring Josh Gad and Kevin Hart, it was absolutely the highlight of the entire three hour Bachelor block. Watching Gad and Hart fight over the "final rose cookie" from Chris (who made a surprisingly decent cameo) was actually pretty funny. Did it make me want to see their movie more than before? Perhaps. Oh wait, then I saw the actual preview for the movie immediately following the gag. Man that looks stupid.

1. CLIFFHANGER – The fact that Kimberley the yoga instructor from NY was eliminated but then came back and stole Chris for a "talk" during the champagne celebration instead of going home but then Chris Harrison interrupted saying that we’d have to wait until next week to find out what happened means CLIFFHANGER. My guess is that it won’t pan out for Kimberley but you better believe Chase and I will be tuning into see what happens next week. They got us again!

Monday, January 5, 2015

Bachelor Power Rankings - Week 1 - The Return of "Prince Farming"

So, before we get into this season's exciting new rankings and slightly altered format, let Chase and I make an apology to you, our (amazingly) loyal readers. We failed you during The Bachelorette. We fell off the ranking bandwagon and let you all down. The small fact that Chase absolutely spanked me in the rankings from nearly the first episode prompted us to lose interest in Andi and her quest for love (a respectable final choice with Josh Murray but do we really think she's going to continue to slog through all of those NFL football games just to watch her fiancé's brother ride the bench? - From Wikipedia "The [Kansas City] Chiefs did not put [Aaron Murray] in a game in the 2014 season."). I digress.

This season, we're more committed than ever. We're ready to walk with you as Chris "The Farmer" Soules begins his journey towards love.

Look, here's the bottom line. We're both experts in love. We're expert woo-ers. We're professionals at planning elaborate and thoughtful dates. Case in point, both of us are in committed relationships. One of us is married. So believe us when we say you've come to the right place for everything Bachelor related.

And all of this doesn't even take into account that this season is our third attempt at this. You know what they say - "third time's a charm."

Without further ado, here's what we have in store for this season.

For the first week, we're going to shake things up a bit. Instead of a blind Week 1 ranking like we did for Andi's season (which ultimately doomed my competition against Chase), we are going to wait until Week 2 to present our first official rankings. That said, we won't leave you hanging with zero predictions for Week 1. Instead, we're going to present our POWER 5 and who we think will receive the "First Impression Rose."

POWER 5

For those of you not familiar, the POWER 5 are the five women each of us thinks has the best shot at making the actual final 5. If you think this is nearly impossible with 30 women to start, you'd be sort of right. But for some context, even though it's a blind guess with only brief bios and a short teaser clip from ABC to guide us, Chase did remarkably well during Andi's season nailing 4 of 5 men in Andi's actual final 5.

Scoring of the POWER 5 is pretty straightforward. When we get to the final 5 women, Chase and I will revisit each of our POWER 5 choices. For each woman in our POWER 5 who makes the actual final 5, we will be awarded 1 bonus point (for a maximum of 5 bonus points).

FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE

This one is pretty cut and dry. Based on virtually no information (other than the above discussed bios and teaser clip), each of us will attempt to name who we think will receive the beloved (and often meaningless) "First Impression Rose." And I say meaningless because remember when darling Sharleen the Opera Singer received it during JP's season and then TOTALLY QUIT because YEAH WE DO. Again, I digress.

If one of us manages to correctly pinpoint the recipient of the "First Impression Rose," that player will receive an automatic 3 bonus points. Down the line, those three points could be huge.

Without further ado, here are each of our POWER 5 choices as well as our predictions for the recipient of the "First Impression Rose."

Side note: Chase and I will both be live tweeting the premiere tonight so be sure to follow us on Twitter @goldmanstandard and @chasehathaway to see just how many farming puns we can make in one night.

POWER 5

Nikki, 26, former NFL cheerleader, New York, NY - You know you’ve been following reality television for too long when you start to see trends and realize certain professions (former professional sport cheerleaders) or having the name Nikki tend to experience success and longer runs in the show. I like her chances.
Jade, 28, cosmetics developer, Los Angeles, CA - She’s breaking out the Jane Eyre reference in her bio and uses the word altruism in her bio. If Sharleen can last in Juan Pablo’s season, I have to think that Jade has a chance this season. I don’t think she wins it, but I hope she brings a bit of sophistication to the show. Because that’s why I watch this show: Sophistication.
Whitney, 29, fertility nurse, Chicago, IL - As one of the token Chicago natives, Whitney wins the geography battle. Living close to Iowa, the prospect of moving to the farm shouldn’t be too daunting for her.
Kelsey, 28, guidance counselor, Austin, TX - Giving a nod to all the guidance counselors out there, I think she’ll be around for quite a while. In my experience, guidance counselors are good people, so that has to count for something. Additionally, I'm really hoping we can start a movement to get Chris Harrison called what he really is: Our Loyal Host and Reality TV Show Guidance Counselor.
Jillian, 25, news producer, Washington, DC - Sticking with my first impression gut call here (see below) and going with Jillian. I like her chances.

"First Impression Rose"

Jillian, 25, news producer, Washington, DC - News Producers are some of the most brilliant people I know. They know what the people want and they deliver. She’s going to throw an anchor to Chris and get the first impression rose (eh?! See what I did there).

POWER 5

Becca, 25, chiropractic assistant, San Diego, CA - She's beautiful and referenced the diarrhea scene from Dumb and Dumber in her bio. She's got a sense of humor and I think Chris will appreciate that. She's young, which might hurt her in terms of the win but for a final 5, it's plausible.
Jade, 28, cosmetics developer, Los Angeles, CA - Let's start with the obvious. Her name is dumb. Now that we've got that out of the way, let's focus on the positives. She's smart (she used the word altruism in her bio- has anyone on this show ever even heard the word altruism?) and a self-starter (she has her own business even if he job does sound fake).
Kelsey, 28, guidance counselor, Austin, TX - True confession: based on bios and photos alone, Kelsey is my favorite. Her answers to her bio questions are smart, articulate and she comes across as really secure in who she is. That's key in a relationship that's going to work in the long run. Oh and she lists "chapstick" as one thing she can't live without. Her lips are moisturized and she is ready to mack!
Nikki, 26, former NFL cheerleader, New York, NY - I'm always skeptical of someone whose job is listed as "former XYZ" especially when a 26 year old is a former anything. Did she get fired? Is she pursuing other things? If she makes it this far, I'm sure we will find out. But the bottom line, this girl is STUNNINGLY beautiful. Chris would have to be blind not to take her far.
Tandra, 30, executive assistant, Sandy, UT - Oof. Two dumb names in the POWER 5 is a tough decision for me. But this girl is both beautiful and fun. If Chris can get past the cringe-worthy name, she could be in for the long haul.

"First Impression Rose"

Tracy - Look, she's not in my POWER 5 but she looks so much like KELLY KAPOWSKI that she might actually be Kelly Kapowski. And Chris is 33 and that means Saved By the Bell may have partly defined his formative years. That could sway things in ~~Kelly~~ Tracy's favor.