The Bachelor Five - Week 2 with Prince Farming

Another week, another two hours spent with Chris (not Harrison who was truly nowhere to be found after appearing hungover in the first couple of minutes of the episode and then again at the rose ceremony).

After Week 2, we have our first Power Rankings score update. After saying goodbye to Tara, Jordan, Tandra, Alissa and Kimberly (for the second time), Chase is at 50 points and I'm at 56 points. With a difference of only six points after Week 2, this is still anyone's game.

Administrative Note - After 2 weeks, all of Chase's POWER 5 choices remain while I'm down to four (Tandra was one of my initial choices).

"I would never shoot anybody... UNLESS YOU ARE A MOTHER F***ING ZOMBIE."

The Four Sentence Recap

After keeping Kimberly in an unprecedented Bachelor move, Chris took six of the now remaining 23 women on the first group date of the season (including Kimberly - drama!). While the group date girls enjoyed a pool party/downtown LA bikini tractor race with Chris (totally normal), Jillian and Megan decided breaking and entering doesn't apply when your on The Bachelor and began rifling through Chris' personal things back at the ranch Bachelor mansion ("HAHAHA LOOK AT US WE'RE SO CUTE GOING THROUGH ALL OF CHRIS' RAD STUFF LIKE HIS MOTORCYCLE HELMET"). Megan scored the first one-on-one date (more on that in The Bachelor Five below) and another gaggle of girls (ELEVEN) went on the second group date where the biggest revelation was that ASHLEY S. IS ACTUALLY BONKERS. At the cocktail party, Chris rubbed an actual woman's belly button to "receive three wishes" (do we think he knows you're supposed to rub a lamp?) before mumbling his way through the rose ceremony and saying goodbye to Tara the sport fishing enthusiast (hook, line and "sink her"), Tandra the executive assistant (clear out your desk, please), Alissa (cross check before take off), Jordan the student (expelled due to excessive drunkenness) and Kimberly the yoga instructor (salute the sun on your way out).

The Bachelor Five
The Five Things You Need to Know About Last Night's Episode

5. Kimberly is Back – This may seem minor. After all, Kimberly was promptly eliminated at the end of Week 2 for the second time (third time’s a charm?). But Chris set a new precedent. Kimberly was eliminated in the first rose ceremony and he brought her back. For Chris, there are no rules in the game of love. Who knows if this will matter the rest of the season but what does matter is that the girls are very aware that Chris walks the field less plowed road less traveled - and that could make all the difference.

4. The Group Date Conundrum – Group dates are weird. Just ask any polygamist. But that’s part of the deal with The Bachelor so I can let that part go. That aside, can we all agree that the group dates have become incredibly lame? Like who is planning these things? A bikini tractor race in downtown LA? The budget seems both incredibly large (“Let’s pay to close down streets downtown and rent six large and expensive tractors. For what? Oh you know, so the girls can race them in bikinis and stuff.”) and incredibly small (“Helmets? We're out of money. They all signed a waiver, right?). Let’s hope the dates improve as the numbers dwindle.

3. First One-On-One Date – A History – Okay so yeah Megan got the first date and yeah she and Chris macked at the Grand Canyon and yeah she told him her sad backstory but does the first one-on-one date actually matter in the grand scheme of things on the show? Interestingly enough, it appears that it does. I took a look at the past six seasons of The Bachelor to see who snagged the coveted first one-on-one date (thanks Wikipedia!) and how it played out for that woman in the run of their season:

• Season 13 – Bachelor Jason Mesnick picked Jillian. She went on to finish in 3^rd place and become the next Bachelorette.
• Season 14 – Bachelor Jake Pavelka picked Ali. She went on to finish in 4^th place and become the next Bachelorette.
• Season 15 – Bachelor Brad Womack picked Ashley H. She went on to finish in 3^rd place and become the next Bachelorette.
• Season 16 – Bachelor Ben Flajnik picked Kacie B. She went on to finish in 4^th place and would go on to appear on Season 17 of The Bachelor with Sean Lowe.
• Season 17 – Bachelor Sean Lowe picked Sarah. She went on to finish in 9^th place. SPECIAL NOTE – Desiree received the second one-on-one date of the season and went on to finish in 4^th place and become the next Bachelorette.
• Season 18 – Bachelor Juan Pablo Galavis picked Clare. She went on to finish in 2^nd place and become crazy.

Wow. If history is any indicator, Megan should be around for the long haul (but almost certainly won't win). The past six girls to receive the first one-on-one date have finished an average of 4^th place and three have gone on to become the next Bachelorette. I don’t think Megan falls into the latter category (keeping my fingers crossed for Kelsey!) but she will definitely be around for a while.

2. Love and Other Drugs – Last week it was Tara who imbibed a bit too much. This week, Jordan finds herself twerking against the wall after finding herself on the wrong side of an empty bottle and then screaming “I WANT TO MAKE OUT” during the cocktail party (giving a voice to alcohol since she turned 21). Rough week Jordan.

But the single biggest offender of alcohol intake is the incomparable Ashley S. Not only did she wield her paintball gun on the group date like she was freaking Ben Stiller in Tropic Thunder, she also babbled on so incoherently, Chris had to pull her aside and ask if she was okay. The only possible reasons for Ashley’s behavior are 1. She drank all of the alcohol in the state of California 2. She’s actually insane or 3. There is something else going on (drugs, I mean drugs). Good thing he got rid of Tara, Jordan and Ashley S. at the rose cere – WAIT HE F***ING KEPT ASHLEY S.? I don’t even know what to say anymore.

Ashley S. on The Bachelor during the zombie paintball group date.

1. #TeamBritt – It’s time to admit it. #TeamBritt is real. I wanted to believe Week 1 was a fluke. I wanted to believe that Chris didn’t actually feel a connection and that the “First Impression Rose” was nothing more than that - a first impression that wouldn't last. I wanted to believe that he was momentarily fooled by the prospect of sports bra hiking in LA. But I was wrong. #TeamBritt is alive and well and she’s going far – even if I’m not on board yet.