The Bachelor Five - Week 5 with Prince Farming

And with that, we're down to 11 ladies. Wait, what? That's exactly where we left off last week because we were forced to endure treated to a TO BE CONTINUED at the end of this week's episode. That means no change in the Power Rankings for now but a potentially big week next week. 

Dramatic reenactment of Chris discovering Kelsey laughing hysterically during a confessional interview.

The Four Sentence Recap

After listening to Newsies on repeat, The Bachelor producers traveled to New Mexico for the week where Chris and Carly shared more than just the first one-on-one date of the week when they visited a love guru (they shared awkward touching and breathing if you were wondering). The group date found 9 of the ladies white water rafting (with perhaps the most ominous of starts when the guide told them that if they were to stand up in the raft it "MAY BE THE LAST THING YOU DO") before being interrupted by Jordan (who?), eliminated in Week 2, during drinks in a hotel lobby(?). Britt got the second one-on-one date and easily snagged a rose but all that really matters is that we learned that 1. she doesn't shower and 2. she sleeps in her make-up because you never know (weird gal). Next, Kelsey gets weirder than she's been all episode, tells Chris her heartbreaking story about her husband's death and awkwardly forces a first kiss, which prompts Chris to think about time and how many harvests he has left in him before cancelling the cocktail party which sends Kelsey into a full on panic attack. SMASH CUT: title card: TO BE CONTINUED...

The Bachelor Five
The Five Things You Need to Know About Last Night's Episode

5. The Love Guru – What. Was. This? Oh you know. Just your regular, everyday visit to Tziporah Kingsbury, town love guru. Now, I’ve been to Santa Fe. And the city is quirky. So I can’t say I’m surprised that Tziporah has what appears to be a thriving business. But the discomfort between Carly and Chris as they had to undress and breathe on each other was palpable (source: both of them SAID IT). And was anyone else just praying that in addition to her stash of sage torches that Tziporah keeps a jar of mints for the lucky people who get to breathe into each others' mouths? In a season filled with bad dates (see: Costco, zombie paintball), this one may take the cake.

Tziporah Kingsbury: The Love Guru

4. The Return of the Jordan – True confession. Jordan was so unmemorable in her time on the show, I had to go back in my notes to figure out just who she was. And in fact, she was so forgetable, my notes were worthless. Nevertheless, she caused quite a stir coming all the way from the Mesa Verde Colorado to try to win a second chance with Prince Farming. Unfortunately, Jordan’s return only caused tension and stress amongst the girls and Chris promptly sent her home. Well this was one big dramatic circle (she came, she caused trouble, she left) but you can bet The Bachelor producers paid for Jordan’s gas.

3. And the Emmy for Best Supporting Actor Goes To… - Do we think Megan is playing dumb? Or is she actually dumb? First, she was convinced that going to New Mexico meant that she would finally travel out of the country (“I guess it’s called New Mexico because there is already an Old Mexico? Well who cares because I’m wearing this SOMBRERRO!”). Then she verbally uttered her apprehension about going white water rafting because the river might have alligators (okay, possible but highly, highly unlikely) or DEAD BODIES (From rafting accidents? From natural deaths? From MURDER?). Every word she spoke last night seemed too dumb to be true. So, is she actually just playing dumb? If so, give this girl an award. If not, give her a map.

2. I Got 99 Problems and Kelsey is One – Last week, I waxed and waned in “The Bachelor Five” about what was going on with Kelsey. Was she just not gelling with Chris? Was the show too much for her? Well, this week, we have our answer: Kelsey is CRAZY. And not funny crazy. CREEPY CRAZY. Here’s the distinction: Ashley S. was funny crazy. She delivered monologues on onions and pomegranates and played zombie paintball like a (mob) boss. But she was harmless. Kelsey is creepy crazy. This week saw her go from sweet and bubbly to seemingly manipulative and shady. There were hints this was coming throughout the episode: her slightly off confessional interviews, her laugh echoing through the river canyon (touché Bachelor producers) and her insistence that NO ONE would ruin her relationship with Chris. But the biggest tell: describing her tragic backstory where her husband unexpectedly passed away as a “great story” and saying it with a SMILE. Even Kelsey knows her portrayal was bad. Following last night’s episode, her Twitter went private. Yikes. How the mighty have fallen.

1. To Be Continued – For the record, I hate when shows end like this. I especially hate it with The Bachelor because it usually means we don’t get a rose ceremony, which is exactly what happened this week. Instead we’re left with Kelsey writhing on the floor, which totally screws up the Power Rankings. @TheFakeBachelor put it best.

AMEN.