The Bachelor Five - Week 6 with Prince Farming

Finally. Four eliminations last night. And Chase and I were pretty much right on the money with who went home. Chase gained a single point this week and now leads 216-213. He won the week 76-75. With only 7 girls remaining, the Power Rankings crown is still very much up for grabs.

Artist rendering of Chris after bringing Britt back from Big & Rich concert and encountering the other ladies he totally ditched. 

The Four Sentence Recap

The week began where it left off last week with Kelsey sobbing on the floor when all of a sudden - POOF - she was perfectly fine all at once, laughing her evil laugh and stealing the last rose away from Samantha the Fashion Designer (just not meant to be in the fabric of Chris' life) and Mackenzie the Dental Assistant (no crown for you) who were both sent home. The remaining 9 traveled to Deadwood, South Dakota where Becca (more on her below) got the week’s one-on-one date and a rose despite totally abandoning their pack donkey on their (decently) romantic horseback ride. 6 of the girls got time with one hit wonder Big& Rich and got the chance to write/perform original country songs (or rap in Kaitlyn's case because you know, Canada or something) on a group date before Chris awkwardly singled out Britt and made the other five girls feel worse than they already did when they agreed to appear on The Bachelor. The Bachelor producers saved the best for last with an epic showdown a 2-on-1 date in the Badlands featuring Kelsey the Guidance Counselor (no letter of recommendation for her!) and Ashley I. the Freelance Journalist (sadly we'll never get that double confirmation on your virginity) before Chris wised up and sent them both packing (and by packing I mean taking the only mode of transportation and TOTALLY LEAVING THEM ABANDONED THERE TO FIGHT TO THE DEATH find a way back to wherever The Bachelor producers dumped their suitcases).

The Bachelor Five

The Five Things You Need to Know About Last Night's Episode

5. Becca FTW – I’ll admit. I was once on the Kelsey train. But since that locomotive jumped the tracks, destroyed a small population of endangered animals, fell into a gorge and exploded into a fiery mess, I’m glad I disembarked last week. I’m now fully backing the Becca Express. Next stop, Chris’ heart. Or probably more accurately, America’s, as I’m confident she will be named the next Bachelorette. She’s simply the exact opposite of most of the girls still around and Chris is finally taking notice. This week, they locked lips for the first time and Becca was rightly shy about sharing that on national TV (though, in all honesty, what did she expect coming on the show?). This girl is cool and I’m putting my money squarely behind her.

4. Uneven Episodes – There is something comforting about a routine. It’s easy, you know exactly what you are going to get and you can just sink right into it (much like one of those bean bag chairs everyone had in college). But these past two weeks have been anything BUT routine and it’s throwing me off. Last week, we had someone returning for a second chance (Jordan who?) and then no rose ceremony and then a TO BE CONTINUED. I thought for sure that Week 6 would be a return to equilibrium. Instead we were treated to the carryover rose ceremony from last week at the beginning and then two non-rose ceremony eliminations to close out the episode. And now next week, we have two episodes (one on Sunday night and one on Monday night), one is (at least partly?) a “Chris Tells All," Kelsey maybe makes an appearance in the “Chris Tells All” to defend herself (?) and oh don't mind Chris just taking the ladies to Iowa to meet his family (?) and share best practices for shucking (with 7 ladies, how could he resist?). Frankly, it's all very disorienting. Can we just get back to our Bachelor routine? Supremely awkward dates followed by rose ceremonies in exotic locations. But speaking of exotic locations…   

3. The Bachelor Budget Slash – At this point in past seasons, The Bachelor would have taken us halfway around the world. Instead with Chris and his remaining ladies, we haven’t even made it halfway across the United States. What is going on? It could be that Chris can never be more than a couple hours from the harvest (the perfect ear of corn requires serious commitment). It could be that Kelsey is on the no-fly list. But more likely it’s that the budget for this season was cut in half. And at this point we have to keep our fingers crossed that we get a finale on an exotic beach and not somewhere along the Mississippi River.

2. Big & Rich & Country Originals – In case you didn't know before last night, Chris is a farmer and loves all things country. And by default, that includes country music. Obviously The Bachelor producers wanted to capitalize here. But since The Bachelor "talent" budget only has three dollars, some dryer lint and a button left, the best they were able to do when it came to securing country musicians on the show was booking Big & Rich (yes, the “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy” folks). But instead of just playing some music and collecting their paycheck (complete with lint and button), they helped the ladies write "original" country songs. This of course led to some truly awful singing (save for Carly and sort of Britt) and, you guessed it, tone deaf Chris smiling ear to ear. Snooze. Let's chalk this up to another in a long line of seriously awful dates we've had to endure this season.   

1. Epic Desert Showdown – I have to give it to the producers. They really saved the best for last in last night's episode with what can only be described as the most uncomfortable 20 minutes of television since we watched Carly and Chris with the Santa Fe Love Guru... last week. Everything about this 2-on-1 date to the Badlands with Kelsey and Ashley I. was awkward. From Chris smashed between the two crazies in the helicopter to the rock hard four-poster bed set up in the middle of the mostly dirt National Park to Chris totally throwing Ashley I. under the bus to the most epic stare down in reality TV history, this was pretty much perfect for us the viewers. And at the end of it all, Chris mercifully sent both of the women home, leaving the 2-on-1 date rose to rot in the dirt (probably). But the best part about this showdown was the reaction of the ladies back in the hotel. @TheFakeBachelor summed it up best: