Nick "4th Time's the Charm" V. the Bachelor! - Week 2

So Chase and I thought about starting our rankings this week. But with approximately 73 girls still left vying for Nick's heart-on this show, we thought we'd introduce a new piece for our Week 2 content - FIRST IMPRESSION BROS.

Human adults spent far too many minutes of their lives debating whether Alexis was dressed as a shark or a dolphin (it's a shark, it's a shark, IT'S A SHARK).

FIRST IMPRESSION BROS

Wherein Chase and I give our thoughts on six of the women who made it past Night 1. It's part real contenders (GOOD IMPRESSION), part crazies (BAD IMPRESSION) and all fun.

GOOD IMPRESSION

Danielle M.  

Picking a final two before Week 1 turned out to be 50% bad for me (Lauren who?). But my other pick - Danielle M. - seems like she could be the real deal. She’s mature, self-assured and not afraid to interact normally with our four time Bachelor alum. When Nick asked a dumb question about whether or not she worked in a hospital after she basically told him she worked in a hospital, she teased him about it in a playful way. Get it girl. Don’t give up the power just because your boyfriend is dating 29 other women.

Rachel

Let’s get this out of the way. The Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise has a diversity problem. Ever since they started casting the next main character from the previous season, there hasn't even been a remote chance at having a minority as the lead - not cool. But not only could First Impression Rose Recipient Rachel be a contender to be the next Bachelorette, she could actually win this season. She’s an attorney from Texas who Nick immediately gravitated toward. She’s confident and it’s clear from Night 1 that she isn’t going to get bogged down with any silliness that will ultimately ensue. Look for her to go far.

Vanessa 

I'm staying all in with #TeamVanessa. She was one of my two selections last week and I'm not wavering. I generally avoid anyone that breaks out a foreign language on the opening introduction (I can never get the Juan Pablo fiasco out of my mind), but I think there's something to Vanessa. I'll have time to talk more about her this season, I'm sure, so I won't spend too much time now. But she's going to be a contender, y'all.

BAD IMPRESSION

Alexis 

Let's be real: You're watching tonight's episode for one reason: You haven't been able to sleep this past week debating whether Alexis was a Shark or a Dolphin. Don't worry, I'm here to put the matter to rest. She's a shark. Despite her alleged obsession with dolphins, Alexis tracked down the Left Shark suit from Katy Perry's half-time performance. We did a little research--because it literally only took one Google Search--and found that they actually DO make dolphin suits. As a side note, if you didn't see this tweet, you should start following that account. You'll like it.

Corinne

She’s the girl we are going to love to hate and I couldn’t be more happy about that. She’s 24, surfs Facebook on her own computer in her parents house runs a family business and bosses her nanny Raquel around (“MORE CUCUMBER SLICES STAT, RAQUEL.”). Seems like the perfect match for absolutely no one. Probably not wise to stick your tongue down Nick’s throat right after you meet him, either. Save that s**t for Bachelor in Paradise. Jorge’s got a drink waiting!

Liz

Let's hand it to the producers, they've really gone all out this season. There's so much to love about this story line: Nick's terrible memory, Liz transitioning from withdrawn to LAYING EVERYTHING OUT ON THE TABLE within 15 minutes of the episode, flashbacks to Nick being upset toward Andi about the fantasy suite, Bachelor Mansion jealousy. This is literally the best. The only thing that could've been better would be if they brought Andi back as a contestant. Liz represents everything that we've grown to love and hate about this TV show. We can only hope this magic lasts a few episodes, but my hunch is we say goodbye to Liz--and one of the best contrived story plot lines in recent years--tonight.

Nick "4th Time's the Charm" V. the Bachelor! - Week 1

We never thought it would happen. But believe it. Nick V. is back for a FOURTH time to try to find love. It hasn't worked either of the other three times so hell, why not give it another shot. What did Einstein know anyway?

So a quick note about the blog this season - one of us is expecting a big life change (read: small human child joining the family) so the blog may look a little different this season. That said, we are still going to do our best to bring you content every week! The plan right now is to kick off Power Rankings as usual next week. But instead of the usual Power 5 picks we make before the season, we simplified and have each picked our Final 2. Whoever's picks go the farthest (cumulatively), gets an additional 5 points at the end of the season. That could be huge - the difference between a win and a loss.

Without further adieu, here are Chase and I's Final 2 selections!

1. Vanessa

Vanessa has a lot going for her in my mind. Primarily, she looks just. like. Andi. In case you’ve forgotten, Nick has been on the show THREE times. I wanted to make one pick solely based on similarity of her headshot to Andi. And Vanessa wins that (Whitney was a close second). After clicking on her profile, I see that she's Canadian (EH!) and there’s a strong heritage of Canadian contestants on this show. And most recently, Nick’s second attempt at love was also Canadian. That’s enough for me. I’ll take the Canadian Andi Dorfman look-alike for the win.

2. Elizabeth

Maybe its my background in Marketing that makes me a bit biased, but marketers are inherently good at this television show (and pursuits of love!). I think Elizabeth emerges from the crowd—despite being young—and makes it to the Final 2. And her answer to where she meets guys was great: "I'd prefer to meet through mutual friends or in front of millions of weekly viewers. :)"

1. Danielle M. 

She seems to be the total package. She's got a real job (she's a neonatal nurse), she's got a real good choice as her favorite movie (The Sandlot) and she's got a real tragic backstory that, as sad as it is, is reality TV gold (her fiancee died). Not to mention that she's a stunner. The trouble with her is she's a blonde (Nick seems drawn to brunettes - Andi and Kaitlyn) and she's tall (5'10" and Nick is only 6'2"). These are only surface level things, though, so assuming Nick can look past them, Danielle M. is my preseason frontrunner.

2. Lauren 

Where many of the contestant profiles scream "CRAZY," there's something about Lauren's bio that just softly calls out "normal." I say that despite the fact that she doesn't have a real job (Law School graduate???). On the plus side, she likes mini-golf, being outside and Hocus Pocus. That's a win-win-win. She'll slip under the radar to start and then be a major player in the second half of the season.

Joyful JoJo the Bachelorette - Week 8 FINALE POWER RANKINGS

And then there were two. Jordan vs. Robby for JoJo's heart.

Last week, in a ratings grab/episode dump dramatic double episode, we saw JoJo send both Luke (WHAT?!?! Okay, so... #LUKEFORBACHELOR #LUKEFORBACHELOR #LUKEFORBACHELOR) and Chase home. Luke was definitely a shock (we both thought for sure he was a final 2 lock) but Chase was not. In fact, the best thing Chase did all season was crack open an ice cold brew as he got into his getaway car and sarcastically say "So this is my fantasy suite?" so I'm kind of glad we saw him go when he did.

I call this photo of JoJo and Luke: "LOVE IS A LIE."

Either way, this is it. We've made it to the finale. And I am officially the winner of this season's Bachelor Power Rankings! (Chase has the previous FIVE crowns so LET ME ENJOY THIS OKAY?). For those wondering, here is the latest score:

Chase: 114
Josh: 121

Since we have the same rankings this week, the final score will go up only 1 or 2 points for each of us. (Here are the rules and scoring in one handy post if you need it.)

A few notes from Chase before our final rankings:

A Congratulatory Note: I'd like to officially concede this season. After an incredible run, I've finally been knocked off as the Bachelor Power Ranking Champion. Congratulations, Josh, on putting together an incredible season of rankings. I look forward to reclaiming the metaphorical trophy next season.

A Twitter Note: Are you following us on Twitter? @TheFakeBachelor and @BacheloretteFTW provide our live commentary throughout the show! Nearly 7,000 followers can't be wrong!

WEEK 8 FINALE POWER RANKINGS:

1. Jordan – It brings me great sadness to conclude this season of The Bachelorette with Jordan on top of the rankings. We've known it all season. You can see it in the other contestants. Jordan was going to win. From James Taylor disliking actual card game rules to just a general fear of Jordan Rodgers. This fear, obviously, is unfounded. Particularly now that we're all aware that he has NO RELATIONSHIP with his super-star brother. He's just a former SEC quarterback. And do we really want to call Vanderbilt an SEC school? Their record in SEC games? 135-401-17. So all that's to say: Just because your last name is Rodgers, doesn't make you King. Unless your first name is Aaron. The only good thing that is coming out of Jordan winning? We aren't stuck with him as The Bachelor. Hopefully.
2. Robby – I'm pioneering a theory over here. The final 2 of this show are never actually the final 2. I believe that contestants send home their inevitable true number 2 (This season, Luke), earlier than the final round. Check it out: Chris Soules, Sean Lowe, Becca & Andi are all examples of this. There's psychology behind it - namely decreasing the cognitive dissonance of the final decision. Make no mistake about it, Robby is not the #2. If we were still ranking all the contestants, he might crack the top 3. JoJo has known she's picking Jordan for quite some time. And we're left stuffing French fries in our mouths like James Taylor while we wait for Luke to be The Bachelor.

1. Jordan – This whole season has been like training camp (for love). Jordan is super comfortable with training camp. In fact, he LOVES training camp. Each week, he has bested the competition to remain QB1. The top D-A-W-G among the other bros. Even with the interceptions he’s thrown (can you BELIEVE he tried to play by the actual rules of poker with James Taylor?), he’s set himself up nicely. This is his position to lose. And where he definitely lost it in actual football, he will turn the tide in love and take the starting job as JoJo’s main squeeze.
2. Robby – As a former competitive swimmer, Robby knows all too well the agony of losing by razor thin margins. And tonight, he’ll put that experience to use yet again. There’s just no way he walks away with anything other than utter disappointment over what could have been. With the Summer Olympics debuting this week, here’s a timely analogy: Robby is to Jordan as Ryan Lochte is to Michael Phelps (if Ryan Lochte and Michael Phelps never had real jobs and were competing for love on a reality TV show).

Joyful JoJo the Bachelorette - Week 7 POWER RANKINGS

And just like that, we are down to our Final Four. Four guys will enter vying for JoJo's heart, one will come out engaged to JoJo (and likely un-engaged to her a few months later).

We're back to the competition this week after saying goodbye to Alex and James Taylor last week and MIRACLES DO EXIST. Barring a total meltdown in the forthcoming rankings, it looks like I might finally take the crown from Chase and Power Rankings champion.

Just a totally normal first date taking a nap on a horse.

In case you are new or need a refresher, here are the rules of the competition in a separate and comprehensive blog post.

Even though we didn't do competitive rankings last week, it's time to tally up the TINDER POWER 5 and DEEP DIVE POWER 5 scores. The actual Top 5 guys this season (in no particular order) were Jordan, Chase, Luke, Robby and James Taylor. 

That means Chase gets an additional 6 points (Chase and Luke in the TINDER POWER 5 for 4 points + Chase and Jordan in the DEEP DIVE POWER 5 for 2 points) and Josh gets an additional 6 points (Chase and James Taylor in the TINDER POWER 5 for 4 points and Luke and Jordan in the DEEP DIVE POWER 5 for 2 points).

Here's the updated score after adding those points:

Chase: 109
Josh: 116

WEEK 7 POWER RANKINGS

1. Jordan - Let’s face it, guys. JoJo is going to pick Jordan. I don’t like it. You don’t like it. Heck, JoJo doesn’t even like it. Just because we don’t like it, doesn’t mean it wont happen. I don’t even know where to start with Jordan. His hometown visit should be amazing, despite not having Aaron Rodgers around. I’m really hoping we hear more about how Jordan played professional football. TLDR: He’s saying all the right things, but I just don’t think he’s there for the right reasons. 
2. Luke - Let’s face it guys, JoJo is NOT going to pick Luke. Despite the fact that SHE SHOULD TOTALLY PICK LUKE. Luke is a good guy, they have the Texas connection (great things are found in Texas these days, you know). Anyway. I think Luke is angling himself well to be next season’s Bachelor. Also, be on the lookout for a potential shameless Star Wars cross-promotion this week: “I am Luke’s Father.”  Here’s hoping his family is entertaining. If we’re going to see him again at The Bachelor, let’s at least make it good. 
3. Chase - I really want to see Chase win it all. I really do. I mean, his name is the greatest ever. But I think this is a 2-way competition at this point. He isn’t getting any time on the screen (There are literally 4-guys left. How is he not getting any air time??). Chase has made a good run and he’ll be around another week, but he wont be in the final 2. No chance. 
4. Robby - I don’t care who you are: If you’re coming out of a long-term relationship (3+ years?) and you’re dating someone (or on a reality TV show?) four months later...you need to ask yourself some serious questions. Hometowns are going to be dramatic for Robby and not in a good way.

1. Jordan - Jordan is playing things perfectly. He’s deflecting the negativity (most of it unwarranted) and saying the right things at the right time. He faces another hurdle this week when JoJo learns more about BIG BROTHER AARON RODGERS QUARTERBACK OF THE GREEN BAY PACKERS AND 2010 NFL MVP and the effect that’s had on Jordan. But if he can get past this, he’s well on his way to a touchdown (in the Fantasy Suite) and a Super Bowl victory (getting that ring…to put on JoJo’s finger).
2. Luke - Expect him to play up the Texas charm when he brings JoJo home tonight. But ultimately, this goofy looking guy from The Lone Star State will be playing second fiddle to Jordan, ultimately finishing in second place.
3. Chase - I was really shocked he outlasted James Taylor. Chase pretty consistently looks as excited as a kid in calculus class. It’s remarkable, really. The only reason he is sticking around after this week is because it looks like Robby is shadier than a big patch of grass under an oak tree on a sunny day. I am looking forward to seeing just how it is that they are able to fill 30 minutes of time in Chase’s hometown. Maybe his family has some personality?
4. Robby - I AM VINDICATED. The ex-girlfriend twist is coming TONIGHT. Robby is sunk. (Get it? He’s a former swimmer.)

Joyful JoJo the Bachelorette - Week 6 POWER RANKINGS

Another week, another set of Power Rankings. Chase recently tied the knot (yay Chase!) so he is out of pocket for this week. So we’ll take a break from the competition and instead, I’ll give you my rankings here just for fun.

Two weeks ago, we said goodbye to 2 guys during a droning 2 hour episode – Derek and Wells. 

Goodbye, Jim Halpert.

In case you are new or need a refresher, here are the rules of the competition in a separate and comprehensive blog post.

And here is the updated score after the episode from two weeks ago:

Chase: 103
Josh: 110

WEEK 6 POWER RANKINGS (FROM JOSH)

1. *Jordan – I’m calling it here. The “Jordan is a villain because he likes to play poker by the actual rules of poker” thing is a total red herring. Don’t buy into it. Jordan has maintained his cool throughout it all. And as such, he’s still my winner pick. 
2. *Luke – I. Do. Not. Get. It. Luke seems like such a dud. Objectively, of the remaining guys, he doesn’t even crack the top half of hotness. And yet JoJo is head over heels in lust with him. That kiss they shared in the last episode lasted 100% too long. And in my opinion, he’s lasted 100% too long. Booooooooo, Luke.  
3. **Chase – I am shocked he outlasted Derek in the 2-on-1 date. SHOCKED. HE OUTLASTED JIM HALPERT. He always looks so aloof when he talks. What is going on behind those zombie eyes and that monotonous voice of his? We may never know. But since he survived the dreaded 2-on-1 last week, I can’t imagine he goes home this week. 
4. Robby – Okay. I’ve had Robby low for weeks because I am positive the season preview after Episode 1 teased that he had a girlfriend. With 6 guys left, I have a hard time believing that I actually heard this right? DID I? AM I GOING CRAZY? WHY DID I DELETE THAT EPISODE FROM MY DVR? Anyway, keeping him this low since personally I find him super meh. 
5. **James Taylor – My how the mighty have fallen. It looked momentarily like James Taylor was going home last week. Instead he got what amounted to a pity rose from JoJo. Dude is like Samson. When he loses his hair (his guitar), his strength (confidence) falters. GET IT TOGETHER JAMES TAYLOR. SO HELP ME IF ALEX GOES FURTHER THAN YOU. 
6. Alex – WHY IS HE STILL HERE? His chances of winning? Small (PUN INTENDED).

Joyful JoJo the Bachelorette - Week 5 POWER RANKINGS

Another week, another set of Power Rankings. Last week, we said goodbye to 5 (!) guys - Grant, Evan, Vinny, Daniel and James F. 

As promised, here are the rules of the competition in a separate and comprehensive blog post.

Luke (on his butt in the back) is the most mediocre sandboarder there ever was.

And here is the updated score after last week's episode:

Chase: 88
Josh: 102

WEEK 5 POWER RANKINGS 

1. ***Chase - I needed to rank someone first this week and I just couldn’t have anyone else up here. Luke ruined it in the blooper, Jordan ruined it because he DEFINITELY CHEATED ON HIS EX, and James Taylor just isn’t the top-ranked guy. I’m pretty confident Chase/Luke/Jordan will be 3 of the final 4, so Chase is going to be number 1 by default. And most importantly, y’all. His name is Chase. Chase’s gotta stick together.
2. **Luke - Luke is a lock for the top 4. He’s swoon-worthy (Do people still swoon?) and he’s a fellow Texan. Their connection has been apparent and he seems like a good enough guy. I had him ranked first, but the blooper-excerpt with him talking about his cup-size caused him to drop to number 2.
3. *Jordan - Not only did my thoughts of Jordan drop this week, but THE ENTIRE INTERNET TURNED AGAINST HIM. The conversation with JoJo was painful at best. JoJo didn’t seem to mind it though, so Jordan is in the top 3 this week. Who could resist a former football player? And more importantly, the prospect of having a hometown visit with Aaron Rodgers is maybe the best thing that could happen this season. Besides Chad. Chad is the best thing that has happened this season.
4. James Taylor - JT dropped a bit this week... primarily due to his lack of air-time. I think James Taylor will ultimately end up being friend-zoned, but for now he seems like an adorably normal guy. Who just happens to be named James Taylor.
5. Derek - I just can’t get past Jim Halpert on this. The more I stare at it, the more I see it. Derek was the center of some controversy and he got the “reassurance rose.” Can we talk about how moronic it is that he’s catching flack from the other guys for needing reassurance? Pro-Tip: Don’t let it bother you if your girlfriend’s other 7 boyfriends don’t like the fact that you need reassurance. Take the rose, find the meat tray at the cocktail party and move on to the next week.
6. Robby - His date was fine, but I just don’t think he’s going too much farther. I just don’t see it happening. Also, according to his biography, his favorite flower is honeysuckle. I’m all about honeysuckle, but have you ever met anyone that has claimed it as their favorite flower? Never trust someone who’s favorite flower is honeysuckle. Never.
7. Alex - This guy is all drama. I thought there was a chance he’d mellow out once Chad left, but damn. Enough is enough, man. At least Chad was a fun villain. Alex is just an angry dude that needs to go home.
8. Wells - I really like Wells. He’s a DJ in Nashville. You know he has some awesome stories. DJ’s live interesting lives—their job appears glamorous, but is also incredibly difficult. (Side note: Just finished reading Bare Bones by Bobby Bones. Stellar book. Great read and an interesting look into his life as a DJ.) All that said, we haven’t gotten much from Wells. We haven’t heard about his job, the lifestyle and the cool stories that come with a job in the music industry. Personally, I think Wells should be higher, but I think we’re starting to get low on time with Wells. 

 

 

1. **Derek – He got the group date rose because he let JoJo know he needed some reassurance. You know, because his girlfriend has 11 other boyfriends. JoJo obliged because she clearly likes him. Alex was (no surprise here) mad about this. Don’t sweat it, Derek. You are Jim Halpert from The Office. Pam (JoJo) had to suffer through Roy (Chad/Daniel/Alex) before she gets to Jim.
2. *Jordan – Despite a solid 1-on-1 date that ended with a rose, JoJo brought up some #SERIOUSCONCERNS with Jordan’s previous relationship and his commitment (or lack thereof) to that relationship. I still think he’ll ultimately win this season but things were iffy for a touch so I have to drop him down a spot. Also his hair is out of control. OUT. OF. CONTROL.
3. **James Taylor – Quiet week for the crooner but now that the number of men have dwindled, expect a resurgence of the guitar and the man who plays it.
4. *Luke – Mediocre sandboarder. Still from Texas. Dropped down a spot this week.
5. **Chase – He’s only this low because he was part of the group that picked on Derek before the rose ceremony for… I’m not actually sure why they picked on him. He’s probably safe but meh. Focusing on other contestants and not the girl is bad news bears.
6. Robby – Let’s be real. Uruguay wasn’t what the producers wanted. The romantic 1-on-1 date on the cliff was barely salvaged. It looked miserable. But Robby got a rose and told JoJo he “loved” her after spending a mere 7 hours with her. Cool. The only thing keeping him this low is the potential ROBBY HAS A GIRLFRIEND BACK HOME.
7. ***Wells – He hasn’t gotten much attention (no 1-on-1 and no real attention during group dates). If he doesn’t make a move this week, he’s out of here. Which pains me since not only does he seem like a good, normal guy, he was also in both of my preseason POWER 5 lists. Dude must learn to tighten his tie, though.
8. Alex – Dude. Settle. As soon as Chad Bear exited, Alex turned his attention to Jordan? HOW DARE HE SPEAK ILL OF THE ALL-TIME QB? But seriously, bro. Cool it with the finger pointing. Your time with JoJo is running short (PUN INTENDED).

Bachelor/Bachelorette POWER RANKINGS Rules

Instead of recapping these every week in each post, I thought it would be best to have them handy in a separate blog post for anyone who cares to read up or anyone who needs a refresher.

These rules apply to seasons of both The Bachelor and The Bachelorette.

POWER 5
 
The POWER 5 are the five contestants each of us thinks has the best shot at making the actual final 5. These are chosen before the season begins and are two fold: The TINDER POWER 5 and the DEEP DIVE POWER 5. The TINDER POWER 5 are chosen solely based on contestant photos and names. The DEEP DIVE POWER 5 are chosen based on contestant photos, names and bios on ABC.com.
 
Neither of us read spoilers. Remember - spoilers suck.

Scoring of the POWER 5 for the competition is straightforward. When we get to the final 5 contestants, Chase and I will revisit each of our POWER 5 choices (both TINDER and DEEP DIVE). For each contestant in our TINDER POWER 5 who makes the actual final 5, we will be awarded 2 bonus point (for a maximum of 10 bonus points). For each contestant in our DEEP DIVE POWER 5 who makes the actual final 5, we will be awarded 1 bonus point (for a maximum of 5 bonus points).

Admin Note: To help you keep track of where our remaining POWER 5 contestants land in each of our weekly rankings, 

• * denotes our DEEP DIVE POWER 5 picks
• ** denotes our TINDER POWER 5 picks
• *** indicates the contestant was in both of the POWER 5 lists.

POWER RANKING Rules
 
We will rank the remaining contestants before the episode airs. Points will be awarded each week based on how well each of us predict the contestants going home. For example, if Josh puts CONTESTANT A in spot 7 and Chase puts CONTESTANT A in spot 10 and CONTESTANT A goes home, Josh will get 7 points and Chase will get 10.

The winner will be based on the player with the most points at the end of the season (this ain't golf, folks).