Hello loyal Bachelor
fans and loyal Bachelor Power
Rankings followers. Thanks to everyone who checked out our first post of Power
Rankings yesterday. We’ll be back with those again later this week but for now,
Chase and I want to give you all more fun content to get you through your day. Today, we
have a recap of last night’s episode and later in the week, Chase will bring
you “Upon Further Review.” More on that column later.
Without further ado, let’s get to this week’s excitement. Team
Bachelor headed to Vietnam today to kick off Week 5 in Juan Pablo’s “Journey to
Find Love.”
Our bachelor kicks off the episode musing about how exciting it is
to be in a foreign country and his thoughts on the remaining ladies. He does
his best Leonardo DiCaprio Titanic impression on the front of a boat
floating through what has to be the murkiest water known to man. Does anyone
else just kind of hope he falls into the water as he sits on the edge of the
boat? One bump on a log and we’ve got instant comedy.
The girls arrive next and Team Bachelor gives us a helpful map
graphic to show us that Vietnam is in fact south of Korea (the location of
last’s week most dramatic episode ever).
Side note: is ABC trying to subtly teach young Americans where the U.S. has
fought in major wars? Oh, the fact that millions of Americans sacrificed their
lives to defend our country wasn’t mentioned even once in either episode? Phew,
I was worried for a second that The
Bachelor might actually do
something respectful.
Back to the women, they simply LOVE the hotel where they will stay
the week. Perhaps because no matter what foreign country Team Bachelor travels,
they always seem to find the most westernized hotels possible.
As the girls explore the hotel, the magical first date card
appears on the table in their lounge. Renee, the 32 year old mother from
Massachusetts, who has yet to kiss Juan Pabs snags the first one on one date in
Vietnam. The date card reads, “Are we the right fit?” Side note: Does The Bachelor have a full time employee who writes
the date cards? They must. The play on words is just too good.
In response to finding out about her one on one date, Renee
exclaims for the camera, “Hopefully we can grow [our connection],” which
loosely translates to “MAKE OUT WITH ME JUAN PABLO.” Meanwhile Andi stews in
the corner after being passed over for a one on one date for the fifth week in
a row. Andi is Discouraged with a capital D and she isn’t being quiet about it.
Renee meets Juan Pabs in the streets of Vietnam and the two head
to rent a cycle rickshaw. Renee, still not sure what is in store for the date,
thinks they will be riding together but… THINK AGAIN SISTER. Would Team
Bachelor really pass up an opportunity to see the former professional soccer
player’s legs in action? I don’t think so. Juan Pablo hops on the bike and
maneuvers the rickshaw through the streets of Vietnam while we are treated the
most unflattering upward angled shot of Renee from the GoPro mounted on the
rickshaw near her feet.
Juan Pabs directs the pair to a local dressmaker where he tells
Renee she will get a custom fit dress from a Vietnamese dressmaker. We rejoice
that the date card she received had two meanings.
Later that evening, the two head to dinner in a restaurant that
has been reserved just for the two of them (yet another example of how The Bachelor imitates dating in real
life). Renee wears her new dress and Juan Pabs loves how it looks on her. After
some back and forth chit chat, Juan Pabs offers and Renee ascepts the rose.
But the date isn’t quite over and the two head to release lanterns
in the nearby water and make wishes. Renee tells us that her wish is that Juan
Pablo will kiss her before the night is up. With that, the two come together
near the beautiful scene of lanterns on the water, the music swells and… no
kiss. That’s right, Juan Pabs tells us that he simply needs to wait for the
right moment because Renee has a son who is old enough to understand what is
going on (he is eight so I'm not entirely sure that is true). Renee is disappointed but despite
talking ad nauseam about wanting that elusive first kiss all night, she is
oddly okay with not getting one.
The next day Juan Pabs takes nine of the eleven girls on a group
date throughout Vietnam to do traditional Vietnamese things. First up, paddling
in wooden boats. When the ladies pair up and Clare is left without a partner.
Juan Pabs tells her she is with him. Clare is delighted and Kelly explains that
Clare was left without a partner because she doesn't have any friends in the
house. She quips, “First time in anyone’s life having no friends is an
advantage.” Point for the professional dog lover.
The rest of the date proceeds without much incident. The ladies
head to a traditional Vietnamese dinner and then to the traditional Bachelor group date cocktail hour. Here
are some of the highlights and notes:
- Clare gets most of the attention. Juan Pablo clearly likes her
body
whole package and the other ladies are taking notice.
- Andi is increasingly frustrated with her lack of one on one time
with Juan Pabs. She feels uneasy until he utters, “Trust me.” She feels even
better when, during the cocktail hour, Juan Pablo’s kissing embargo from last week is lifted
and Andi gets a majority of the goods.
- Did Clare eat anything other than rice at the traditional
Vietnamese meal? After the octopus fiasco in Korea last week, my guess is no.
- Kelly is actually pretty funny.
- Sharleen is questioning her connection with Juan Pablo. Then she
makes out with him and she feels better. Yup, seems like they are building a solid foundation.
After finding time to kiss at least half the girls on the group date,
it’s time to hand out the rose to one person on the group date. It goes to none
other than Clare who ascepts it gladly.
With that, another group date is in the books and Juan Pablo can
get some much needed rest for his lips. Or so he thinks. Clare decides that she
needs some more one on one time with JP so she sneaks out of her room, heads to
Juan Pablo’s (sweet) suite and asks him to take a dip in the ocean. JP can’t
resist and the two spend a steamy night in the warm ocean. In fact, it is so good, Juan Pablo has to explain how good it is in Spanish.
The next morning, as Nikki preps for her one on one, JP can’t seem
to think about anything other than his magical night with Clare. Still the show
must go on and the two head to a rappelling adventure into a cave with the less
than appealing name of Hell. Of course, Nikki is scared as hell (pun intended)
and says perhaps the single best line uttered this season in regards to their
pending adventure: “I’ll either live, die or poop my pants.” With that, Nikki zips
to the top of my favorites list and straight into Juan Pablo’s heart. She
conquers the rappelling, makes out with him at dinner and tells him all about
her career as a nurse. In response JP asks Nikki the Nurse if she will ascept
this rose. She does and JP explains he wants to get to know her better – yeah,
maybe like, I don’t know, her last name?
We conclude our time in Vietnam with the standard end of the week
cocktail party/rose ceremony where Juan Pabs drops the bomb that three women
will be headed home. Panic spreads throughout the group and each girl begins to
realize that things are getting real.
Juan Pablo pulls Clare to the side and tells her he is having
second thoughts about what happened in the ocean the other night. Even though
he went with her when she asked, he now tells her he shouldn't have done it out
of fairness to the other girls. Probably should have thought about that before
JP! Instead, he simply makes Clare upset and leaves the door open for her to
spill the beans next week to the other ladies about what happened (one can
dream).
The rest of the cocktail party proceeds as usual with one
exception. Danielle, the quietest contestant ever to appear on The Bachelor has not one, not two but
THREE confessional interviews in a span of two minutes. In NBA Jam terms, she
was on fire.
The cocktail hour continues and one hour and 47 minutes into the two hour long episode, host Chris
Harrison shows up for the very first time in the entire episode.
No, you did not read that wrong. Where has Chris Harrison been the entire
episode? No one knows. A true mystery. Regardless, he tells the ladies that it’s time for the ceremony and five more women
happily ascept roses from Juan Pablo. The only drama (which was really no drama
at all) was whether or not Andi would receive a rose (everyone knew she would).
She snatched the last one and Danielle, Alli and Kelly are headed back to the
United States.
That’s all for this week! Stay tuned later this week for “Upon
Further Review” from Chase and updated Power Rankings for the remaining eight
women from both of us.
Questions? Comments? Sound off below!
