The Bachelor Five - Week 9 - Women Tell All Special

No rose ceremonies and no exotic trips to South Dakota this week. Instead, we were treated to the Women Tell All where some of your favorite contestants were contractually obligated volunteered to return to face each other and Prince Farming.

Chase and I will be back with our final Power Rankings next week ahead of the live 3 hour season finale of The Bachelor next Monday.

The Four Sentence Recap*

17 of the ladies returned to talk trash to each other, yell, snot in Chris Harrison’s ridiculously expensive handkerchief, and confront Prince Farming as he awkwardly shat his pants in fear sat on the hot seat. We got no closer to figuring out who Chris will choose as his bride because last night was all glorious filler. And, as many pointed out on Twitter, this pretty accurately sums up everything you missed:

An actor's interpretation of the ladies during the Women Tell All

*That fourth sentence can just take this week off.

The Bachelor Five
The Five Things You Need to Know About Last Night's Episode

5. The Randos – Lots of Chris’ eliminated contestants appeared on last night’s Women Tell All. Not all because likely, even the producers forgot some of the girls’ names. Chances are, you recognized about half of the women. Thankfully, the half we all recognized did most of the talking, yelling and crying. And yet, for some inexplicable reason, some of the randos who were eliminated back before anyone was really invested decided that they needed to stir up a little trouble. And so, Trina (who?) decided to shove her opinion down our throats multiple times. No thanks. @BachelorBurnBook said what we were all thinking:

BURN.

4. Haters Gonna Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate – Hot damn. Some of those girls were laying into Kelsey during her time in the hot seat. Don’t get me wrong – I definitely think Kelsey is Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. But Ashley I. suggested that Kelsey made up the story that she had a husband and he died an unexpected death. That's a low blow. Even for The Bachelor. It just solidifies what I already thought about Ashley I. – girl is HURTING for a spot on Bachelor in Paradise.

3. Cool as the Other Side of the Pillow – You probably noticed that Kaitlyn kept her head above the shrapnel of pointed words being hurled around the set of last night’s Women Tell All. The only time she really spoke up was when she was in the hot seat with Chris Harrison or when she was addressing Prince Farming himself. Classic play. This girl is the front runner for The Bachelorette according to multiple reports. She had to find a way to stay in America's hearts. And stay in our hearts she did. By keeping her cool, she’s likely going to end up back in Bachelor mansion as The Bachelorette instead of on a beach in Bachelor in Paradise.

2. All of the Tears – Get it together ladies. There were so many tears spilled last night I could have sworn production was screening Marley and Me just off camera. There was crying after re-watching “journeys.” There was crying when accusations were flying. There was crying when Chris did nothing but walk onto the stage (I suppose losing that “body by Cody” must be really tough). It was all a bit much. After all, they were crying over a guy who can’t even string together a coherent set of sentences.

1. Ashley S. for President of Bachelor Nation– The world rejoiced when Ashley S. returned to television last night. She was just as loopy as when she was still a contestant on the show. She repeated previous brilliance when she uttered her famous catch phrase “Like boom.” She spouted incredible truths such as “I was just so bored” in response to why she interrupted The Bachelor accounting department during filming. And she spoke with such eloquence when she asked Chris Harrison, “Isn’t it crazy that we’re on TV now?” Now we wait with bated breath to see if she will, in fact, return for Bachelor In Paradise. Not convinced of Ashley S.’s amazingness? Don’t just take our word for it: