The Bachelor Five - Week 3 with Prince Farming

We're down to the Sweet 15 (doesn't have quite the same ring, huh?). 15 women down, 15 women left vying for Chris' heart.

Three weeks down and the Power Rankings score is getting tighter. After saying goodbye to three women, Chase brings his score to 93 and I'm sitting just ahead at 97. Chase wins the week 43-41.

Nothing to see here.

The Four Sentence Recap

After Jimmy Kimmel arrives and wakes Prince Farming from his slumber, we learn that Mr. Kimmel himself will be planning the dates for this week’s episode (oh this should be good). First one-on-one date goes to Kaitlyn and she and Chris head to Costco for bulk buying and making out in the middle of the store and then later that night while having dinner with Jimmy Kimmel squarely between them (yes you read that right). A group date sees 12 of the women competing in traditional Iowan tasks (such as frying eggs for the men, milking goats to give milk to the men and wrestling greasy pigs to provide bacon for the men – Carly “wins” yet loses the group date rose to Becca) and the second one-on-one date goes to Whitney where the two casually crash a wedding and make out under the stars. In lieu of a cocktail party this week, we get the coveted afternoon pool party where Jade makes a move, Juelia tells her sad tale and Jillian intimidates everyone there (including Chris) before we say goodbye to Trina the special education teacher (simply too slow building a relationship), Tracy the 4^th grade teacher (schooled by love) and Amber the bartender (a tip for you – don’t look for your husband on The Bachelor) who all left Bachelor mansion rose-less. 

The Bachelor Five
The Five Things You Need to Know About Last Night's Episode

5. Kardashians Are People Too! – Ashley I. had quite a week. She even managed to steal the crazy spotlight from Ashley S. (who only managed to have a truly amazingly over the top “blink and you’ll miss it” reaction to Becca receiving the rose on the group date). Ashley I. went through emotions of Ron Burgundy proportions last night and managed to score the final rose of the evening despite not being able to show off her “Kardashian” look at the cancelled cocktail party. Instead she managed to woo Chris with a truly awful headband and plentiful macking through her tears (Chris is a weird dude).

Video footage of Ashley I. just before speaking with Chris.

4. The Black Box – Two weeks in a row and this is getting serious. Just why exactly is Jillian's butt censored so often with the now infamous black box? It’s become such a topic of conversation that The Washington Post (yes, the same paper that reports serious issues like job growth and wars and other stuff like that) has published an actual story on the continued appearance of the black box. It seems that even Jillian herself is confused as to why she is being so heavily censored. Here is my theory: The first time the black bar appeared was an actual necessity for the editors – they had to cover up something you can’t show on network TV. Every time since that first black bar? A big elaborate joke. I mean, think about it. It’s got to be dull for the editors to pare down hours of video to create just two hours of the most dramatic footage ever shown on television. It looks like the editors have a pretty great sense of humor. And for our sake, here’s hoping it doesn't go away anytime soon.

3. Wedding Crashers – Chris and Whitney had a lovely date planned at a winery. But why do that when you can f***ing crash an event someone has spent the past year of their life obsessively planning?! As someone who is recently married, I would have been pretty mad if Prince Farming and some baby voiced adult crashed my big day (I mean, at least these people got Maroon 5). True the rumors circling the Internet that wedding was faked are probably true. But if it wasn't, what a bummer for the bride and groom that, as many people pointed out on Twitter, we didn't even get a single Wedding Crashers quote?

2. Kissing Crazy – Chris’ kissing antics have gotten out of control. While it’s definitely “normal” to kiss multiple women as The Bachelor, Chris is kissing so many girls so quickly, he barely has time to pop a Tic Tac in between. He kisses them while enjoying the sights at the Grand Canyon, while standing on balconies, while sitting on couches, while gazing at the stars after your best friend’s wedding some rando’s wedding, while relaxing in hot tubs with Jimmy Kimmel sitting next to you and chowing down on chicken wings, while lying in his bed and even while bulk shopping at Costco (hey, two birds with one stone, I guess). It’s true that many of the girls are approaching him for some time spent snogging but seriously dude, show some self-control.

1. Jimmy Kimmel – If you had any doubt that The Bachelor understands it’s a ridiculous show with a ridiculous premise, look no further than the inclusion of Jimmy Kimmel on last night’s episode. Sure he helped to draw viewers who might otherwise have ignored the show. But in reality, he provided the humorous biting commentary that is mostly relegated to Twitter on Monday night and recaps like this one that follow the day after. It was an interesting move by Bachelor producers to include him (and let him to say and do whatever he wanted – including verbally criticizing the spectacle of the show) but as a viewer, I think it paid off.